"A Very Simple Game" - My Ass!

It's called - A Very Simple Game - In concept it is... Find the dot. I can't passed the pink dot.

I Double Dog Dare ya...

A Very Simple Game from Albino Blacksheep

love me later~tj

Entry for September 01, 2007 - Am I Over-Analyzing?

Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990 / Wales)

Roald Dahl wrote classic children's books - his writings include - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach (My Childhood Favorite!) and Matilda. He is also an accomplished poet, as you will see below. What made me do this post was the comments below the the poem. Over analyzing or what? LOL Enjoy the poem 'THE PIG' for what it's worth! and I am laughing my ass off~ love me later~tj

The Pig In England once there lived a big And wonderfully clever pig. To everybody it was plain That Piggy had a massive brain. He worked out sums inside his head, There was no book he hadn't read. He knew what made an airplane fly, He knew how engines worked and why. He knew all this, but in the end One question drove him round the bend: He simply couldn't puzzle out What LIFE was really all about. What was the reason for his birth? Why was he placed upon this earth? His giant brain went round and round. Alas, no answer could be found. Till suddenly one wondrous night. All in a flash he saw the light. He jumped up like a ballet dancer And yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!" "They want my bacon slice by slice "To sell at a tremendous price! "They want my tender juicy chops "To put in all the butcher's shops! "They want my pork to make a roast "And that's the part'll cost the most! "They want my sausages in strings! "They even want my chitterlings! "The butcher's shop! The carving knife! "That is the reason for my life!" Such thoughts as these are not designed To give a pig great piece of mind. Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland, A pail of pigswill in his hand, And piggy with a mighty roar, Bashes the farmer to the floor; Now comes the rather grizzly bit So let's not make too much of it, Except that you must understand That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland, He ate him up from head to toe, Chewing the pieces nice and slow. It took an hour to reach the feet, Because there was so much to eat, And when he finished, Pig, of course, Felt absolutely no remorse. Slowly he scratched his brainy head And with a little smile he said, "I had a fairly powerful hunch "That he might have me for his lunch. "And so, because I feared the worst, "I thought I'd better eat him first." Roald Dahl

Comments about this poem (The Pig by Roald Dahl) Click here to write your comments about this poem (The Pig by Roald Dahl) 1. Here is a pig with an enormous intellect: 'He's worked out sums inside his head. There isn't a book he hasn't read.' His powers of reasoning are superior, indeed, a master of his mind. But there's one thing he hasn't mastered, and that's his own unruly passions, his deeper, irrational self. This is a sobering truth. No matter how advanced man becomes, he is still a slave to himself. He still cannot control his own heart and its autonomous will toward self-destruction and survival. Roald Dahl often misses the mark with his poetry, but this one of his stronger pieces, by far. 2. Kudos to Roald for a bloody interpretation of a horrific reality. Comic at first, though his kinda misanthropic elements is what makes this lovely pork an excruciating answer towards human lust. 3. Roald Dahl is more of an author, not really a poet. i adore him and his books! i have read james and the giant peach, the adventures of charlie and mr willy wonka, george's marvellous medicine, the witches and all of his books.(i too lazy to write them down.) and i finished these when i was 8 years old! now i'm ten, going to 11 on 29 oct 07 4. Smart pig. Interesting conflict between the 'meaning of life' and 'survival of the fittest.' Well done!

Mail Order Annie

This is one of my favorite Harry Chapin songs. In my opionion he was the best lyricist of my generation. A storyteller extraordinare, with his irreproducible gravely voiced melodies. Damn, I sure do miss this guy. 'Mail Order Annie', it's five minutes well spent. Sit back, close your eyes and feel the music, you'll see her ... Annie ... she's there by the train....Enjoy!

 

Thank God for the cheap seats Harry!

and I am smiling ...

love me later ~ tj

...and AGAIN!

Afterwards we have a bonding moment.

She told me after I was awake, downstairs and was cleaning blood off the bat whacker that she heard my grandson fussing in his portable and she got up to have a look see at him. She was leaning over him when WHAP! She gets it upside the head by an unknown flying object. She turns around and sees it's my nemesis, THE BAT!

Daughter: "I wouldn't have been out for blood until it did that, but now it made it PERSONAL."

My sweet daughter hollered up the stairs at me at 4:00 this morning.

She threw open the door, and propped the screen door open. With the broom in hand she followed it into the kitchen and watched in disgust as it flew upstairs where I was sleeping. Knowing how I am, she threw up this warning to me:

"Momma, GIT UP! there's a b-a-t up there and I'm out to kill that motherfucker!"

I took my natural stance in such a crisis. Cowardly cowering under the covers, pillow over my face, and shouted to her, "DO IT!"

I heard the fuss in the little bedroom. I heard her curses, "Die motherfucker die!" Sensing the swiftness of the demise of the winged heathen, I got out of the bed...tippytoed and with utmost fear in my voice asked her, "Did ya kill it baby?" Bat pulp smeared the floor and walls of the little bedroom upstairs when she was done. She was in an adrenaline rush and with arm pumping the air the yelled, "Hell YEAH! It's a dead motherfucker now Momma!" I gave her a towel and she scooped up the semi-liquid remains and we headed downstairs. Pats on the back and much adoration thrown her way, I thought, "That damn thing should never have messed with a very tired, very pregnant, very pissed off woman! YEAH!"

I forgave her unladylike language. She had slain the beast that stalked me, the same one I thought had flown out the door last night.

She is my Hero.

and I am smiling...

love me later ~ tj

Chiroptera - AGAIN

I need to start this a few days ago, so you understand why my grandson was with me in the kitchen alone on a Thursday night...

It's nothing ... really.

I had a little medical issue on Wednesday. My heart was racing, I was having palpitations, sweating and flushed. I was getting a tad confused. I was scared. It happened on and off all day and by 2:00 in the afternoon, I left work and took myself to the hospital. I was strapped to monitors, injected with IV's, oxygen forced up my nose. Then my daughter called.

Daughter: "Whatcha doing momma?"

Me: "Just laying down, thinking of taking a nap."

Daughter: "At work Momma?"

Me: "I'm not at work right now, I took the rest of the day off work."

Daughter: "Why is that momma? Where are you?"

Me: "In the hospital, I'm sorta tangled up in IV's and wires, this air thing in my nose is annoying me."

Daughter: "I'll call you right back!"

I did take a nap. About an hour later my precious daughter walked in the room. I filled her in on my day. She was white with worry. I assured her there is nothing to worry about, so far the tests are all good.

Daughter: "Momma, I tell you what, I'm so mad at with you right now, I could spit nails. You call me when you have a cold, but you let this slide by?"

Me: "Sorry. I was gonna call if there was something wrong with me."

Daughter: "There is...."

Me: "I mean with my heart."

The verdict is in...I am normal.

Nothing could be found that was abnormal. I was sent home with a heart monitor strapped to my chest for 24 hours. My daughter drove me home. She called my mom to come get her, she wanted to stay and needed to go get the baby. Then the hospital called me. You need to come back to the hospital tonight, they told me. There was something wrong with my heart, but it wasn't my heart that started it. As is turned out, my potassium was so low it interfered with my heart. Two huge potassium pills later and I was good to go. My daughter wasn't convinced. She remained glued to me since Wednesday afternoon. I really am okay. Thank God it was an easy fix.

It's difficult walking with children glued to me.

So I went through my next day at work, with my grandson and daughter by my side, making sure I wasn't going to die. I didn't and we had fun. I was back at the hospital after 5:00 p.m. to get the monitor off. Then we came home, ate dinner and played. Booger loves my red broom. He loves to "clean" my kitchen. He doesn't let it go when he's here. Later in the evening my daughter went to the store for milk. She left me and Booger in the kitchen. I was drinking coffee and the Boog was in his highchair having chocolate milk and Ritz crackers. The broom propped next to his highchair. Then out of the depths of hell came the sound I know I dread. . .

"Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-ee"

The broom dance begins at 9:30 on Thursday night.

Three thoughts ran through my head simultaneously.

1.) RUN!

2.) Don't scare the Boog.

3.) OH SHIT OH SHIT Oh Shit Oh Shit oh shit oh shit ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!!!

I snatched up the broom, did the door dance, and ran to stand guard over the Boog. My thoughts were fierce, "I dare you motherfucker, to come near him." The bat swooped by us and I crouched down swinging the broom over my head. It flew into the living room, circled and flew back. I gripped the broom tighter and swung it. The bat went into the laundry room. I snatched the baby out of the high chair and ran outside. I stood waiting for my daughter. This was not the night for her to go visiting!

The skeeters were biting him, he didn't want to be outside. He wanted to be inside with Ritz crackers and chocolate milk. Shit! After about 15 minutes, I took him inside. I put him back in the highchair. I did this with hairs standing straight up on the back of my neck, goose bumps running tracks around my body. I sat, made high squeaky baby-talk to him. Boog just looked at me confused. He didn't like the "Granny Broom Dance" I had performed for him. The crackers caught his attention, and then...."Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-ee" ... it was back. I ducked and covered the Boog. I swung the broom and out of the corner of my I saw it fly out the door!

VICTORY WAS MINE!!!

Oh, I bragged to my daughter when she walked in, milk in hand. I called my mom who shared in my victory. Sweet victory that took an 18 month old baby to help me overcome a deep seeded fear. I guess my deep seeded need to protect overpowered the fear of the winged devil.

Ding Dong the bat was gone, the wicked bat, the ungodly bat.. .

I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

love me later~tj

How do you spell tittylateing?

It took an advise columnist to solve my dilemma.

I sent a question to an advise blogger a while back. I should have waited for his answer before venturing to the on-line dating scene. I admire his honest answers and have become quite smitten with him. I told him I would like to find me a man as studly as he, and to give me the advise I sought. His byline reeks of his credentials as an Prominent Advisor...

"i am smart n i lik to give gud advise. let me hep yew."

Cletus McGillicuddy, sow holler, Tennessee US

After sharing a terrifying ordeal that he himself had with online dating, he offered me this advise:

"so enyhow ta maik uh long story short yew kin tell them thare fellers enythin ya wannna cuz everwon on the innernet lyes enyway."

My next day off of work is a week from this Saturday.

So tonight I am re-writing my profile for my online dating service. I need to get this done quickly if I am going to snag a date for my next day off work; that is just a week from this Saturday! I thought about the men that answered my ad in the first round of on-line dating. I went and re-read all those profiles to see if any one of them mentioned words like Daddy, Loser, Exhibitionist, Abhorrent, Swinish or Morally Depraved. Nope, ok, So where to start....

My pencils are sharpened, my paper is blank... Think!

Old Tagline Looking for someone to share a life with... Well this got me nowhere. I need something snappy, something ....powerful and eye catching. Steamy Leathered Lady Desires Bondage.... hmmmm, not a good start. Ok, THINK! What is it that men really want? Oh sure they toss around words like, Romantic, Candlelight, Stable, Intelligent, and Humorous; when they really mean WHAT?. Duh! I think I have it! The perfect on-line dating profile!

How do you spell tittylateing?

New Tagline: I am a Nymphomaniac!

Who am I looking for? I am looking for a man who's only quest in life is to have a great sex ...in bed, on the floor, in the shower, at the NASCAR races, in the garage, nowhere, noplace, no time is off limits! He must subscribe to all naughty "books of wisdom" and never read the articles! He must watch all the sports on T.V. and only talk of sports and his job in any conversation we have, ever! He must love red lace lingerie, black stiletto shoes, and fish-net stockings!

My turn-ons? I love a man who wears sloppy sweat-pants that shows the crack of the moon! Hairy chests and beer belly excite me! I find the sound of a beer can opening titillating! There's nothing more sexy to me than a man in old worn out boxer shorts, sitting in a recliner with a remote in one hand and a beer in the other! Belching and scratching stimulate me! Ball caps and greasy hair are the quintessential duo to take me over the edge of desire!

My hobbies? Cooking, sex, cleaning, sex, waiting hand and foot on my man, sex, raising other people's children, sex, repairing vehicles, sex, houses, sex, and appliances, sex, shoveling snow in the winter, sex, and mowing the lawn in the summer, sex, and I love bobble-head collections! Did I mention sex?

If you think I am the woman for you, tell me so! Until we meet... XOXO

I wonder if Cletus would approve?

and I am smiling....

love me later~tj

Entry for August 14, 2007 - Online Dating

Yeah, I tried it once. I had an offer for a free trial on one of these sites so I sat down and thought, "Why not?" I'd like a date so I wrote a profile, In 500 words or less tell the world of men who you are and what makes you uniquely you. I took my time to write the profile that would persuade Mr. Right. to tune into me. Not wanting to sound desperate, or too needy, or too picky to a man, this is what I came up with:

Tagline: Looking for someone to share a life with.....

Profile: "I want to meet someone who lives nearby. I own my own home, I have my own income, I don't need a man to make decisions for me or to help me get through life, I am self-sufficient and self-reliant. I'm not looking for you to take care of me, I just want to find that someone who can share a life with me. I'm too old for head games, fuck-buddies or just hanging out without a goal in mind. I have 2 kids who have their own lives. I have a couple of grandchildren who I adore. I am a big gal... I've been every size there is under the sun, and fate says big. I am who I am. If your into fit, athletic and thin types, click "next". If you don't have a job, have no goals in life, drink like a fish, inhale, inject or seek an altered reality click "next". If you have ever been busted for a DUI, domestic abuse, theft or are on any existing sex offenders list, click "next". I am a redhead and ornery and fiery. I love with passion and give all that I am in the right relationship. Think you can handle me? Drop a line.....I might send a line back."

I looked at the sessions they had to offer. Web seminars on topics of interest such as "How to Catch and Keep a Man", (sounds as good as catching an std from a man 'eh?) "Dating Advise" (No dates in months and none on the horizon so I guess I need the advise), "Profile Reviews" (claimed I was too picky, and that I needed to show a little desperation), and the all inclusive "Broken Hearts" (hmmmmm). I did a personality test to determine I suppose if I was datable. I finished the Compatibility Test. Was this test to determine with whom I was most compatible? Let's see....

The Compatibility Test measures five broad dimensions of personality that are each essential for building a romantic relationship. It's not the case that a person must be "high" on each of the personality characteristics to be in a relationship. Instead, what is important is how your personality interacts with the personality of your romantic partner on each dimension. Or what is commonly called "chemistry." Based on decades of empirical research in psychology, the Compatibility Test captures the five key ingredients that can determine whether or not two people have the "right" chemistry.

With the research done and my new found knowledge, I set off to find my Mr. Right....

Mr. 100% wanted children, that little piece of info turned him into Mr. 0% fast! Mr. 99% was a loud mouthed bigot who thought I might be interested in his opinions, and a "spanking behind a bush"?!? Then there was Mr. 91% who stopped listening to me after the word "Hello?" was uttered from my mouth. He thought that photos of caskets and disgusting songs of equally poor taste of dead people and one sided conversations of autopsies were a turn on to me. (I should have added that to my profile....duh!)

Okay, I thought, let's try a different approach to this...Mr. 27% "NASCAR Enthusiast Seeks Woman to Rev His Engine!" is what his tagline said.... So I looked further and read his profile. It went something like this.....

"Hulo im Bubba. I wan 2 luv a gurl that luvs cars and beer. Mi gurl wood wan 2 wair blak lase win she cuks, and cleens. Mi gurl wood luv lawn art. O & mi gurl wil luv mi hed... yeehaw! Mi gurl also must no ho to kownt & role penys. I hav a rite many inna jar inna udder room. U wana no abote me? Im a rite gud lokin man. I gots me a ballcap kolecshun & mosly all mi teeth. I wurk inna geeraje chanjin orl inda cars. I gits me a regalr paychek so U hav no worees I wil treet U gud!"

Okay, now then, ahem, maybe I shot at too low on the compatibility test rating scale. So I look some more .... Mr. 89%... successful, income, shelter, no little children, wants no more children.......I'm intrigued.....I emailed him, asked why he doesn't have a photo of himself online, he adds me to his friends list and Instant Message's me, a minute after hello, he offers me to view his webcam. Interesting I think as I accept his invitation. The screen goes from black to focused, and what am I looking at when I finally see him..... No handsome face to put with that profile? NOOOOOOooooooo!, I see nothing but a hand, stroking it. So I watched the show, and add him to my ever increasing ignore list on my Messenger.....

Here's a fellow, Mr. 87%... Caring, honest, funny, loving and smart.....hmmmmm He failed to mention sweet, handsome, giving and kind to his list. He was those things as well. Would make any woman happy....if they didn't mind a man who can't drive, who for whatever circumstances lives with mom, and lives quite a distance away .... (didn't I mention I want a fellow who lives NEARBY?) okay, I gotta admit, leaving this fellow behind hurt a tad, but I wouldn't see past the distance of it, couldn't see past the chauffeuring of it. After two dates I knew it wasn't meant to be for us.

So the night I said goodbye to Mr. 87% I logged into the site I placed my ad on and politely deleted it. I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Right doesn't own a computer.

I'm off to the store now, I'm stocking up on batteries ... C'est la vie.

and I am smiling....

love me later~tj