Chiroptophobia

Chiroptophobia

It was late at night....2:00 in the morning. I was sleeping on the couch, not well, but sleeping.

Belzebub's Hidyhole is in my bedroom.

I was on the couch sleeping not so well because I moved my bed upstairs. My once-upon-a-time boyfriend started making a closet up there for me, but got only as far as pounding a board in the wall and taking off my attic door. I called that opening "the maw for night creatures" when I slept up there. Shortly after moving my bed upstairs, I asked my alcoholic good-for-nothing, ex-boyfriend. not-in-my-lifetime-fiance', to move out. I wasn't overly polite about it. A drunk is a drunk-is a drunk. he left without finishing the closet. With the Passageway to Hell gaping in my bedroom and the fact that I have never in my life lived alone, and I was all but a little freaked about sleeping in my big house unaccompanied, I found myself on this particular Thursday night, cuddled under the blanket on the couch with my cat - poorly doing the deep sleep.

That's when I heard it ... Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-ee.

That sound froze my breath. My hair stood on end. My cat flew from my arms - I was squeezing the life out of him. The blanket sailed over my head. When my heart began to beat again, it started in at hyper-speed. It was beating in my throat. I started to shake. I knew I was going to vomit. I was gasping for air. I heard these horrible little choking noises and realized they were coming from me. It was so dark under the blanket, but there was danger lurking outside of this shelter I had thrown around me. I snuck my arm out slowly, slowly, slowly, so that no one would see the movement. I felt for my phone. Gingerly I touched it and snatched it back into the hastily made sanctuary with me.

I dialed 911. The conversation went something like this:

911 Operator: "This is 911, what is your emergency?"

Me: - gasping for air, quietly so no one would hear - trying desperately to give sound to the voice that was squeaking from my mouth -

911 Operator: "Hello, is anyone there? Please state your emergency."

Me: - squeaking and hyperventilating - "I am her-rrrrrrrrrrrrrrre. PLEASE send the police."

911 Operator: "State your emergency please."

Me: "There's an intruder in my home! Send a cop to get me out."

911 Operator: "You have an intruder in your home ma'am? Where are you?"

Me: - still hyperventilating and now crying as well - "I'm u-u-u-nder the co-co-covers on mymymy co-co-co-couCH!"

911 Operator: "You are hiding under the covers on your couch ma'am?"

Me: - hicupping, hyperventilating and crying - "Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes!"

911 Operator: "Why?"

Me: "Sotheintruderdontgetme."

911 Operator: Let me see if I have this right ma'am. You are hiding under the blankets on your couch at 2:10 in the morning so the intruder in your home won't get you?

Me: "Yes. That is exact-ly-ly-ly ri-ri-right! Send someone PLEASE."

911 Operator: "Does the intruder have a weapon ma'am?"

Me: "Yes! Teeth, BIG TEETH!"

911 Operator: "Ma'am could you please calm down, I'm having a difficult time understanding you. Did you say teeth is his weapon?"

Me: "Yes! Oh, my GOD! Oh MY GOD, oh my god, ohmygod, ohmygodohmygodohmygod."

911 Operator: "I have your information pulled up here, ma'am are you Tammy?"

Me: "Yes, Tammy, that's me."

911 Operator: "Tammy can you tell me what exactly is in your home?"

Me: "A b-b-b-b-bat-t-t-t-t-t."

911 Operator: Chuckling - "We can't send an officer to remove a bat Tammy."

Me: "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO!!!!! Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygo OH MY GOD!"

911 Operator: "Tammy, if you don't calm down, I will send an ambulance."

Me: "Will they get it out?"

911 Operator: "No, but you need to calm down."

Me: "ok."

911 Operator: "I can tell you what the animal control states to do in a case like this, are you still with me Tammy?"

Me: "uh-huh."

911 Operator: "First, open your door, and prop the screen open."

Me: "But that means I have to get out from under the covers!"

911 Operator: "Yes."

Me:"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!"

911 Operator: "You can do this Tammy, Is there anyone you can call to help you?"

Me: "Yes, I called you to help me."

911 Operator: "I'll stay with you here Tammy, you need to do this, you have yourself so worked up you are going to need an ambulance if you can't settle down. Now, first thing is get off the couch......"

I enjoy camping out in my truck every now and then.

I did as the 911 operator instructed. I got up, leaving the blanket draped over my head. I ran crouched low, the hundred miles to the door, flinging it wide open, and in that same motion I flung open the screen door and pushed the lever to hold it. I sprinted out to my truck and sat in it at 2:45 in the morning finally talking sanely to the 911 operator. She told me I sounded better - Well duh! I wasn't in there with IT. - She offered all kinds of animal control advise. I just sat on the phone with her, my new best friend. No I told her I won't go back in there if IT is in there. Yes, I told her, I would like to sleep in my truck instead. No I haven't seen IT fly out. Then she spoke of a man......

Laughter is an expression or appearance of merriment or amusement.

The 911 Operator called him for me. He lives a piece away from me. He charges $50.00 to come out at 3:15 in the morning. The Critter Guy. Send him, oh lord yes send him to me! She did. Bless her soul, she stayed on the line and waited on hold while I talked to him when he called me. No, I'll be okay now I told her, I'll wait right here. No I haven't got my coat on, jeez, I was trying to sleep when I was attacked I told her. Yes I'm in my truck at 3:45 in the morning with a t-shirt and panties on. I have my blanket I said, I won't freeze. No I can't turn on the heater in my truck - the keys are in the house with IT - She laughed out loud at me. She really did. A great Guffaw came pounding into my ear. Glad you find it humorous I told her. I wasn't anywhere near laughter. I was 6 months away from laughter.

What kind of specialist needs a tennis racket?

The Critter Guy showed up at 4:30. I had been diligently watching the door. No IT had not flown away. No I never took my eyes away from the door. He used all the tools of the trade he had brought with him. A stick and a tennis racket, a cloth and a flashlight. He searched my house. Every nook and cranny was examined at my insistence. The Critter Guy did not locate the object of my demise. He assured me, ASSURED ME that the bat was gone, flew the coop while I wasn't looking. Okay then. I'm tired and I need to be to work in an hour and a half.

Coffee, spades and a goodnight's sleep is on order in that order.

I took a long shower and went to work. I worked late into the evening and got home about 9:00 that night. I was exhausted. I came in the house, got a cup of coffee and my broom and sat down at the computer. I just started a game of on-line spades with a couple on-line friends, when I heard it - Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-ee.

Self-Preservation - Self-Motivation

I flew from my chair, grabbed my broom as I pushed open the door and jammed the lever of the screen door home. I stood outside breathing hard, nearly crying. I heard the 911 Operator's voice echoing in my head - You can do this Tammy - I couldn't. A neighborhood boy came up to me and asked me what was up? A bat I told him. Oh Momma he says, you're a big scardey cat! Yup. I shore 'nuff am. He went in the house. Searched high and low - again, no bat.

God had a nightmare when He created IT.

10:30 same night. Same trying to sleep but not sleeping on the couch. Same Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-eeeeeeeeeee. This time, I rise to the occasion. I grab my newest accessory, still in its cellophane wrappings, I call it a bat whacker, It's a racquetball racket. I do the door dance, I stand outside on my sidewalk facing the door. That's when it happened. ~ Thee biggest, hairiest, scariest creature God ever put on this earth flew straight at me. Whoosh - I felt my hair move as it veered upwards - just missing my face. I felt the goose bumps come. First on my neck and they worked their way down my body, as did the shudder of relief that came moments later.

... "thee abode of Satan and the forces of evil; where sinners suffer eternal punishment are hurled headlong...To bottomless perdition, there to dwell"- John Milton

I sleep a little sounder now. Still on the couch, as the gates of hell stand open in my bedroom - my handyman is booked until January - The couch tends to get a little crowded at night though, there's three of us there... me, my cat and my bat whacker, at least until hibernation season comes...

love me later~tj

Go ahead laugh ... it's hilarious!

A Disclaimer ... This is sadly a true story, happily it is not my story ... It's a friend of a friend of a friend...it was emailed it to me, and I though everyone deserves a good belly laugh now and then. Enjoy! tj

 

 

 

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.. The WAX

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax", yeah! right!) I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With the next strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!! I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe..... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy ... a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX????

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair should be on the strip's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something so I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!*

I get in the tub; the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment; I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter ..."So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now;I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone's else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace: the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair: THE HAIR IS STILL THERE!!!..ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color!!!

Go ahead laugh ... it's hilarious!

love me later ~ tj