Entry for December 31, 2006

Goodbye 2006, you taught me well

I learned how to let go, how to love, how to be frugal, how to juggle, how to lean into a curve, how to find colors, how to spend foolishly, how to be 45, how to share, how to keep calm when the rocks start falling, how to say goodbye, how to merchant, how to dance, how to giggle, coo, speak baby talk, and how to step aside. I learned when to butt in, when not to gossip, when to ask for advise, when to ignore, when to trust, when to say I’m sorry, when to stand my ground, when to talk out loud and when to say goodbye. I learned who I trust, who I love, who I am, who I admire, who cares for me, who makes me happy, and who loves me. I learned what to do in a crisis, what to look for in a pinch, what to say to a neurosurgeon, what spices to add to banana bread, what to do to create a smile. I learned where the eagles fly, where the best deals are, where the laughter lives, and where my heart belongs.

through the year, I smile.....

love me later... tj

"I Ah - Ah!"

I got a phone call today. It was my daughter. She said, "Here momma, someone wants to talk to you." Then I heard the sweetest little voice saying, "I Ah-Ah" The more I laughed and cooed at him the louder he shouted, "I AH-AH!" He'd giggle and carry on, then as clearly as his mouthed cell phone garbled voice would carry it he'd loudly proclaim, "I AH-AH!" It was the best conversation a YaYa could hear from her baby grandson. "Hi YaYa." My daughter finally got the slurpy phone back in her control and told me he had woke up saying I ah-ah, when she showed him my photohe got excited sayng it louder ... hence the phone call. All I could say to him was, "I miss you too Booger."

and I smile...

love me later ... tj

December 25, 2006

Here it is Christmas Day. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got no dinner planned. No one is coming to visit. I’ve gotten phone calls this morning from my people. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year. This is the first day in over a week that there is no place to be. No dinner to go to, no children to play with. I am sore, and tired and so happy.

I had Christmas early with my daughter and her family. Then the rest of the grandkids came. I had a neighborhood (which is the town) party. I held our family party - all the cousins and Aunts and Uncles. Iwent to two work parties, one very intimate, and one very loud and rambunctious. At one point during the week, I tiptoed downstairs to get a drink of water, and I counted 11 bodies in my home. Now, this is not a biggie until you know my home. Tiny. It was wonderful. We baked sugar cookies and decorated them. We made dinners and breakfasts, I worked as little as possible and when I did work, I took assortments of my people to work with me.

I wrapped presents and somewhere in there Santa snuck off with my truck to have a CD Stereo System installed as a Christmas surprise for me. I opened the faceplate this morning, confused as to what it was. Then it hit me and I ran out in my pj’s and coat to listen to a CD. It was a truck Christmas for me. My son, daughter and Santa Claus hooked my truck up with the goodies I said I wanted. It will sport a lighted hitch plate. I have air fresheners, bungee cords, straps, tire gauges and key chains.

I went to mom’s last night. Christmas eve is her night. My son and his fiancé were there. We ate King Crab Legs and steaks. We laughed and ate and opened a mountain of presents. I opened a 1950's style turntable, so today I plan on listening to my albums that I saved from my teen years, a little Pink Floyd, some old Bob Seger, Aroesmith’s Toys in the Attic. I was giggling. I love the sound of an album playing, The scratchy white noises, the sounds. So different from a CD.

The best memory in this recent Christmas season was with my dad and my baby grandson. My dad played Santa Claus for years and years. He would do schools and churches and an occasional town party. He would visit the homes of dear friends on Christmas Eve. He put his suit away when he got ill a few years back and I haven’t seen Santa Daddy in half a decade. Becca wanted a photo with Santa and my Boog. To get one we would need to travel to Kalamazoo, Jackson, or Fort Wayne. Any one of the malls would have one. Instead she called the North Pole hotline and asked Santa Claus is there were any helper’s nearby. He pointed to my daddy. Daddy dug out his suit and put it on, transforming himself into a jolly old St. Nick. We took a zillion photos and laughed and cried and couldn’t get enough of the sweet surprise. My first photos of my own children with Santa are of my Santa Daddy. Now some 23 years later, I have my grandson on Santa Daddy’s knee. The best. We got photos of all the grandkids, even the dog got a photo with Santa Daddy. Sweet, precious and priceless are the photos and the memories.

The night we went to get photos made at the Rite Aid, it was a girl’s only adventure. My daughter, my soon to be daughter-in-law, and myself took off in the truck. We headed off and in the twilight of the evening, we ran into a heard of deer. I hit one, and two hit me. A small dent is all the truck sustained. Another Christmas accident, but we were all okay and the only deer that was injured that night was the one I hit. The rest ran off. There were about 8-10 crossing the road, in the rainy twilight. It scared the girls. We bonded with a story of Christmas past for the years to come. My son bought me critter whistles for my truck. I just shook my head and realized that maybe we need to get a new truck. That truck seems to draw chance events to it. Not bad luck, I can’t even consider it bad. In the events that took place we are all safe and sound. The truck didn’t even sustain anywhere near the damages it should have.

So hear I sit, in the calmness of Christmas Day. The house is quiet. I am going to read and listen to some old time rock and roll. I am washed in the love of my family and friends. I rejoice on this holiest of days. Our Lord Christ’s birthday. I know the love of God. I know it in the memories I hold of this season.

To all a very Merry Christmas, It is my hope that you have loved ones surrounding you, and you too feel the love of Jesus Christ this season.

And I smile ...

love me later ~ tj

Entry for December 21, 2006

His first Christmas. My best Christmas.

and how I smile ...

love me later ... tj

The Christmas Rock

Friday - December 15, 2006

I was so excited. My daughter was coming to spend a week for the holidays! With her were her husband and her son. My fiancé and I took the trip up north 5 hours away to get them and bring them home for the holidays. Oh, my word this is what I have needed to make my holidays perfect! We traveled in his truck. The back seat would be a tight fit for the kids, but we would manage. We set off a little later than I had hoped. I had a few last minute details I needed to attend to. So after the bows were placed just so, and the floors vacuumed extra well, the cookies put out on the table, off we go. I'm a notorious car sleeper, so I packed my blankets and my music and Wally took off. I couldn't stand it. Every 45 minutes or so my sweet daughter would call asking, "Where are you now? Drive FASTER!" I understood her sentiment perfectly! How I wanted, needed, yearned to be there with her. We got there without much toodo. It was perfect driving weather, clear and dry, not too much traffic. We got there and she ran to me and I swung her up and held her tight. We laughed through our tears of joy and love. Three months was a long time to be apart. We sat and talked for a bit with her in-laws while the menfolk loaded up the truck. We were off again in the twilight of the evening. We stopped on the way home frequently, the baby wasn't feeling good. He had a cold so we stopped for decongestant. The kids were hungry so we stopped for a late dinner. The baby being in the car we stopped once or twice for a smake and diaper change. We laughed and talked and laughed some more. The time was flying by even with all the stopping, I felt joy and peace and so damned happy.

That is until 12:30 that night. We had just junctioned onto I-69 off I-96 a bit north of Lansing and still over an hour away from home. I was talking with her husband. I was leaning toward the middle of the seat with my head between the seats. My back was to the window. Her hubby was leaning toward the middle with his head stuck between the seats talking with me. Out of nowhere my daughter let out a blood curdling scream and throws herself over the baby. In slow motion in my head, but a nanosecond in real time, I reached toward my daughter then turned toward the window. Glass was flying inward, ricocheting and bouncing off everything. The noise was horrendous. The wind and glass was spraying everywhere. Wally was calm and sure as he pulled the truck off the freeway. We took stock of each other. Wally ran around the truck and grabbed me and turned me toward hin, "Are you okay? Dear God, are you okay?" Were we all okay? What in the world happened? Oh my word, what is happening?

I grabbed the cell phone and dialed 911. I was trembling, the woman heard me asking, shouting, if the baby was okay. The words wouldn't come. .. . "I don't know what happened. No, I don’t know where we are. .. . Send the police, I think someone shot at the truck . .. . No I'm not sure. .. ." Wally took the phone from me, I was trembling to hard to talk. I wanted to see my daughter and the baby. I knew her husband was okay, he had jogged up the side of the freeway to see the mile marker. He couldn't find it. He came back to the truck and then ran off again, back the way we had came. Wally talked with the 911 operator. I started wiping glass out of the truck seats, but had no luck without gloves. My daughter wanted her husband to come back. He wasn't gone long. He wanted to see the sign on the overpass we had just gone under, so we could tell the police exactly where we were. It wasn't marked. What he did see brought on the tears that hadn't come. He saw 2 boys, almost grown huddling under the viaduct. Then he saw the rock in the road. He gave chase for a moment and thought better of it. If these people would throw a rock at us moving 75 miles an hour in the pitch of night, what would they do to him if he caught him? These two had come down from the overpass to huddle together and watch the mayhem they had created. To see if the moving target they hit carried a bloody massacre with it. He came back and as he got closer we saw he was carrying an objet. It took both hands to hold it. It was the rock.

We calmed down as we waited for the police to appear. Wally cleared out the truck of glass, he had found some gloves in the truck. We discussed the situation. Someone had aimed a rock, thrown it and damn the consequences on the target. Unbelievable as it was, it happened there on the freeway to us. We hugged each other and kept patting the baby who only cried once when his momma screamed. We closed my blanket into the door to stave off the wind as best we could from the baby, and 50 minutes after it happened got back on the road. The police never showed up.

We stopped at the next rest area to change the baby's clothes. There were shards of glass all over his clothes. We adults took off our clothes and shook them off. I emptied my shoes and watched glass fall out, hearing it ping on the tile floor. We got back in the truck after hugging each other once more and drove the rest of the way home.

The rock had first hit the mirror on the truck, shattering it. Then it bounced up onto the window , exploding it as well. Three inches to the right and it would have come through the windshield. We got the window replaced Monday morning.

Late at night, I close my eyes and I see the mayhem that could have occurred. I open my heart and I see the hand of God reaching out and swatting a rock out of the path of destruction, leaving just enough chaos for us to realize the love we have. For the love of God we are safe at home enjoying the holidays and truly giving worship to the Lord Christ's birth.

The rock sits under our Christmas tree.

It is a very Merry Christmas.

And I am smiling.....

love me later...tj

Entry for December 03, 2006

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. My mom came over today and marked my calendar with the dates that I need to set aside to do all the things that we do at Christmas time. She filled in 7 days before Christmas. The entire week before! In that week my daughter is coming home with my Boog, Wally's grandson and granddaughter are coming for a few days. and I have 2 jobs to work. One job has a night taken up with a Christmas Pageant the babies put on for their parents. I'm laughing just thinking about it. Parties and dinners every night, except cookie night. The night that I put on there to make cookies with the grandkids. Oh, then there's the day that we have to make a 12 hour journey to take those grandkids and kids home. Yikes! Oh yes, it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. The only day that isn't taken is Christmas day. Daddy asked me if I was going to cook Christmas dinner ... I told him if he wanted me to I would for him. He laughed when I told him it might be bologna sammiches and tomato soup. I'd put lettuce on them and make them fancy. Red soup, greenery on the sammiches, works for me! This time of year only comes once a year. I am blessed to have both of my parents, our children, our grandchildren, friends and family to share it all with...

...and I am smiling

love me later~tj

Drinking From My Saucer

Drinking From My Saucer

.

I've never made a fortune

and it's probably too late now,

But I don't worry about that much,

I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,

I'm reaping better than I sow,

I'm drinking from my saucer

'Cause my cup has overflowed.

.

Haven't got a lot of riches

and sometimes the going's tough,

But I've got loving ones around me

and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings

and the mercies He's bestowed,

I'm drinking from my saucer

'Cause my cup has overflowed.

.

O, Remember times when things went wrong;

My faith wore somewhat thin.

But all at once the dark clouds broke

and sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe

about the tough rows that I've hoed,

I'm drinking from my saucer

'Cause my cup has overflowed.

.

If God gives me strength and courage

When the way grows steep and rough,

I'll not ask for other blessings,

I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy

to help others bear their loads,

Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer

'Cause my cup has overflowed.

-Author Unknown

and I smile...

love me later~ tj

Entry for November 26, 2006 Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

.... A time to reminisce about those in our lives that we are thankful for.  I have so much to be grateful for. My daughter, my child who is stubborn, impulsive and still melts my heart with her smile... she gave me the most precious of all gifts a woman could ever desire this year. My first grandchild.  He holds my heart. In his chubby little face that smiles as I peek-a-boo with him, I find the greatest love of all. My son-in-law,  the Good Lord put him in my life to show me patience and understanding, but I'm thankful that he loves my daughter the way he does. (I could go on and on here about the flip side of thanksgiving about him, but I will stay on point here.) My son. He is my delight, watching him prosper, I feel pride in him. His fiancé. I'm thankful she loves my son the way he needs to be loved. I am as thankful that my children have the ability to love back the way they do. My fiancé. I'm thankful that I didn't run. I love him more everyday. It's right, it's just and it's good. For him I lower my head and raise my arms in thanks to the Lord. My mom. Thanksgiving that she's with me. When it comes to our parents, we will ever remain children. I am her child. I am thankful for that. My daddy. He's here, he's sound, and he's full of life. I've been blessed with another full year of having my daddy walk this earth with me. He is my hand holder, I am still his little girl. My jobs,  my friends, my health, my wealth... (that's a joke) my home. Be it ever so humble, there really is no place like home. I'm thankful that I have a home that I want to come home to. I'm thankful that inside this house is the man with whom I will share the rest of my life with, the man that loves me more. The man that makes my house a home worth coming home to. I have so much to be appreciative of, and I recognize it.

and I am smiling

love me later~tj

Entry for November 19, 2006 ~The Damnation of Snow ~ pt.2

Fire and Ice

by Robert Frost 

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

 

Frost said it best destruction ... I despise snow. I hate it. It is the evilness of winter that suffocates my spirit and makes me cringe in the stillness of it's cloying wetness. It leaves it's mark on me year after year. I love Michigan and all of it's wonders, but damn I hate this soft, white, fluffy percipitation that clogs my mind and stalls my heart. There is nothing that I can find worthwhile about the events of snow. I can drink hot chocolate with marshmallows melting on top in front of a roaring fire cuddled up next to my love in November without the white stuff tick, tick, ticking at the windows. Sure it's pretty, but I could look at it in photographs, while wearing shorts and drinking margaritas on a sunny beach. I shovel it, wipe it, sweep it, salt it, blow it, move it, melt it, drive on it, bundle up against it, curse it, slide on it, skate on it, and still more comes. Play in it? Rarely, and then only when drunk (I don't drink often). My fiance' says there's an intriguing way to melt it that he wants to teach me, but unless it's a snowball in my pocket as I fly off to the tropics, I want no part of the lesson. He can melt all the snow he wants....as for me, I'll be in the house waiting for spring.

 

Part 2

 

"I hate the snow"

I hate the snow

Like stop hates go

Like darkness hates glow

Like nothing hates more

Like periods hate pads

Like happy's hate sad's

Like good's hate bad's

Like in-laws hate dad's

Like fast hates slow

Like stuck hates flow

Like high hates low

That's how I hate the snow

Like roaches hate Raid

Like directly hates fade

Like sunshine hates shade

Like thirst hates Gatorade

Like wet hates dry

Like hello hates goodbye

Like the truth hates a lie

Like outgoing hates shy

Like hot hates cold

Like cowards hate bold

Like young hates old

Like on sale hates sold

Like a present hates a bow

Like cars hate a tow

Like ignorance hates to know

That's how I hate the snow.  

By Reggie ~ Thanks Reggie! You say it well!

 

Today was the first snowfall of the season.

 

 

love me later ~ tj

My Friend Says It Best ...

http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-YS0qgn49cqq.qRfrEpMThJiVWA--?cq=1

This little sweetie says shes going in to serve our country. She told me she was signing the papers Monday. She was seeking my approval. She didn't get it fom me.

I'm not smiling.

I'm not happy.

later ~ tj

Residing in Wally-World (Thanks Fred!)

I find it incredible how fast my world changed around me. Literally. I have 2 refrigerators in my kitchen, 2 stoves, 2 washers 2 dryers. I have 999,997 coca-cola collectables pieces. I asked him to keep only those things that he really wanted. He did good. We are down to 2.594 pieces. I used to have 1 dresser, now there's 5 of em. He likes clothes. That's okay with me. It's all really okay with me. I see it as an opportunity. I learned ebay so now I fill in my time with selling coke stuff. (Wanna see some of it? ebay id: cuestickgal) All of my auctions went off on Saturday. I have a bunch of things to put in the mail, and of course I have a bunch to put back on-line. I met a man in California who likes what we have, mebbe a lot of this stuff will find it's way there. I have another thought on this subject, a bon-fire. A great big giant bon-fire sparkling with coca-cola gadgets. Wally loves a good bonfire........

I spoke with my daughter yesterday. She's writing her Christmas list. Some things in life are constant. She told me husband would like phone cards and writing paper. Odd things for a man who usually wants clothes and models to put together. So I ask....Why? Well momma, he's joined the Army. Good God was my first thought. My second thought was, maybe this will give him the discipline and direction he so very badly needs in his life. Maybe he can learn about responsibility there. My family is full of service people. My daddy a Ranger and Korean War Vetran, My brother, a Gulf War Vet, my other brother an 8 year Ranger, my kid's daddy, a Navy vet, my neice and nephew both Termed in Iraq. My son, a Marine, termed in Kuwait. A cousin in Germany, 3 cousins children in Iraq, Afganistan and the Airforce serving in France. Why shouldn't my son-in-law go. Serve his nation, serve himself, and ultimately learn how to serve my daughter and grandson.

I took my class to the pumpkin patch on Halloween. I captured that awesome photo you see on this page. It's to me like the perfect pumpkin photo. I was rather proud of it, and thought I'd share it here with y'all. I love autumn and pumpkins, and scarecrows, and little children diggin' the pumpkin patch as much as I do. I had a riot with them. Highlights of working with the children, a part that I will miss when I retire.  I have about 6 hours worth of paper-work to do today, and a cake I promised Grandma I'd make for her....of course she'd like the one cake I rarely make because it's made from scratch...... aw the things we do for those we care about.

but I am smiling.....

love me later~tj

Entry for October 23, 2006

Sick.

            Germs.

I'm so sick of germs and we are not out of October yet. Teaching youngsters it a rare treat that not many get the opportunity to have in their lifetime. Other folks' youngsters. I have done it for 20+ years now. There are but 2 drawbacks of teaching the most precious of our world's comodoties.  1.) Management 2.) Germs

I took a cold about 2 weeks into the school year. It hung for 3 weeks and then I was sick. Fever, chills, the works. I went to the doctors and got some antibiodics. My cold had progressed into a sinus infection and an ear infection. I took the antibiodics ... I felt better, but my ear still hurt. I carried on...

I wound up back at the doctors. Now it just didn't hurt. It smelled bad, I was getting dizzy, and IT HURT. More antibiodics, I finished them yesterday. It hurt so bad today that I called the doctor....again! I have not suffered an ear infection since I was 14 years old. Now at 45 I have one that refuses to go away. He gave me nasal spray and told me if it's not better by Wednesday I need to see the specialist.  I'll need tubes in my ears. This is crazy.

So I stayed home from both jobs today, doing what the doctor told me to do. resting. This is historical in itself. I never off both jobs. I usuallt call of my teaching job, it takes so much energy to work that job, and go to my other one where I mostly sit at the computer. Today, I called off BOTH jobs. I feel guilty, but I gave myself a pat on the back too. After calling into work I slept till 1:30 in the afternoon. I got up and went to the doc's for the prescription. I got it filled, came home, slipped back into my footie pajamas and had some soup for supper. I read some and now I am taking care of my 'puter stuff I want to get done.

The craziest thing is that I'm still tired. I will go to bed early tonight. After the Antiques Roadshow goes off. I love that show. I dream of the day one of my pieces of tresure is determined to be a fortune that I can say "SOLD!" to. I haven't seen anything I own on that show yet, but I still persist in watching it... one day my junk will be on it, I'm sure of that.

I feel tired, and hate germs....

but yet I smile....

love me later ~ tj

Entry for October 15, 2006

Autumn is exploding around me. The colors so vibrant. I look forward to my weekends. I work 13 hours a day, 5 days a week. I brought paperwork home to do this weekend. I got half of it done. Still need to clean and today for the first time in a month I'm turning on the oven. I am feeling rather domestic on this brisk fall morning. I slept in. What a feeling. I felt naughty, but I did it anyway. By the time I got up I had 4 messages on my phone. I had turned it off last night so it wouldn't wake me. I called my son, then my daughter.  Scott is coming home next weekend, and my mom is going to see Becky and my sweet Boog on Thursday so all is well and good. I miss his cherub's smile, his sweet coo's and joyious belly giggles. He's 7 1/2 months old now, and getting bigger and doing more, and I'm missing it. Becky fills me in on his development and bless his heart he loves the phone so I hear him "talking" to his Yaya often.

My friend and I had a discussion the other day. Actually he discussed and I listened. He said he's not crazy over the lable 'friend'. So I asked him what I should call him when I refer to him. I asked, 'Boyfriend? You are not a boy, you are a man.' 'Manfriend?' That's silly. He said just call me what I am, your fiance'. So that's what I will refer to him as.  (side note... the lable husband is in the far, far future in my mind...I'll know when I'm ready for that, and it's not anytime in the  near future.) So my fiance' is at his house with some buddies filling up a trailer full of his belongings to bring back here. I'm supposed to be moving furniture and deciding where everything is going to go. I figger I'll wait till he gets here with it and as we offload it we'll just put it. It can be moved around later, and again if we don't like where it is. 

We took last Saturday off and drove off into the most wonderful autumn day I have expierenced in a long time. We went to the apple orchard and ate warm fresh donuts, drank cider, bought apples and applebutter, listened to some musicians play and smelled the most delicious smells mingling in the air. Bar-b-que, donuts, apples, pumpkin pies, MMMM-mmmm. Then we drove off and went antique-ing. I love to look at the old things folks call antiques. Things like the toys I played with as a child. Now isn't that a fine how-do-you-do?  Sorta the same feeling I get when I hear Bob Seger on the 'Oldies' radio station. Jeez. I laugh. The music I listened to and the toys I played with are 'antiques' but I'M NOT!!

Well I have got to get to my paperwork I mentioned....my classroom lessonplans are in dire need of my attention, as is my house, and my cooking, and this furniture moving....hmmmm Maybe I'll blow it all off and sit and write on my story, the one I've been working on for a year, the one that was supposed to be a 'short story', I have to vist it and see what's been happening while I was away. Catch up on old times with my characters (who have become real friends to me).  Naw, I think I'll get busy instead...be responsible and trusthworthy.... UGH!

but I am smiling....

love me later~ tj

Entry for September 25, 2006

I had my kids home this weekend. It was wonderful. I hadn't seen my Boog in 22 days, since my daughter's husband decided one day to move 5 hours away. It was so enjoyable seeing them come, it was bittersweet watching them go.  Scott is 2-1/2 hours south of me, Becca is 5 hours north of me. I will miss them. I will miss the baby.  My daughter celebrated her 1st anniversary yesterday. I couldn't find a card appropriate for my feelings (Happy Anniversary, are you divorced yet?) so I was kind instead. I came to a peaceful realization this weekend with my daughter. She is happy. No matter where she is so long as she is with him. She's a terrific mommy. She is so in love with her husband. What more could a momma want for her kids than that? To be happy and far away.

I have been going through my friends things. He and I have been  deciding what we are keeping, and what's going. Merging two households together. We have been EBaying alot. Hopefully by the time we are through we will have Ebayed enough to get our new dining room set. We are halfway there now. Yippie! The new bedroom is shaping  up as well. He is doing what he can. Since the fall a few weeks ago, he takes his days slowly. He cannot work anymore, at least for the near fuyure,  the accident did that to him,  so he has time on his hands to take care of himself and get things done around the house.

Between working both jobs, Ebaying, and worrying about my daughter, my days have been too busy and full of wrought. This weekend brought me a sense of calmness about my daughter that I didn't expect to have. I am tired but I am happy for her, for me, and for my son who is doing so very well. My friend is mending, his days are still driven around pain, but that eases up for him some, and that gives us hope.

and I am smiling.....

love me later~tj

Entry for September 08, 2006

Well, it's another week over. My classes start on Monday. I get all those cherubs and all those germs bombarding me on Monday. I have worked more hours than I can count at the school, on home visits and at the sign shop. The one thing, that one thing that made every moment away from home easy, was walking through the door every night. He was here, waiting for me. I delighted every day in that look he gave me and that, "Hi honey, how was your day?" Precious moments in the everyday week. I sit here writing as he talks on the phone with his brother. I have been seeking this ...this comfort of having someone who cares, is here, really here with me, for me. We go back to the doctors on Tuesday. Hopefully the new MRI will prove he is healing. I see it in the way he moves now. His days are boring him senseless, but he feels it too, he is resting but he is healing....

and I am smiling.........

love me later... tj

Entry for September 02, 2006 ~ Home is where the heart is ~

Home is a good place to be. I was able to bring him home yesterday. I packed up some of his things, well I thought it was a few things till I loaded the truck.

It took up the bed of my new truck. During the last week I found and bought a truck since my car took a dive after someone whammed it in the parking lot at my part time job........It was just another thing to contend with. I dealt with it well, happy to be driving a truck again. The last truck I owned was given up for a respectable vehicle that could fit a car seat oh so many years ago. I used part of Thursday afternoon at my part time job and called dealerships to bring vehicles to me to look at. I didn't know they would do that for me, but I didn't want to leave work, I had so much to catch up on. I was specific in my desire. I wanted either a little truck, or a Beetle Bug. I drove 2 trucks and one VW Bug. This little white Ranger stood out and called to me. I signed the right papers and drove off in my truck Thursday night to pick him up. Crazy how things always seem to work out. 

We left yesterday afternoon to come home, we made a stop at his daughter's house in Taylor and by the time we got here he was tired of sitting. The brace contraption he needs to wear is unusual, big and bulky. His posture is poker straight in the seat, so stopping to stretch at his daughter's was good. I haven't seen her since she was about 13, we were able to catch up on life for a couple of hours, after we ate lunch. She was able to see that her dad was really going to be okay in time.

After we got home I was able to do mundane things that make life normal and peaceful. Pancakes and sausage at 9:30 for a late dinner, toss a load of clothes in the dryer, and listen to his voice as he chatted while I busied myself in the house. After the past week, I know precious when I hear it. I know peaceful when I feel it. I was calm for the first time in a while last night as we shared a snack tray to eat pancakes together.

At home, together.

and I am smiling....

love me later~tj

Entry for August 29, 2006 ~In a Moment~

just because he fell......

I learned a new vocabulary. I learned words and phrases like traumatic brain injury, spinal cord trauma, neuropsychological impairments, brain infarc, left frontal lobe hemotoma. I have spoken with people I never dreamed I would ever have the need to speak with. Neuro Surgeons, Trauma specialists, ICU ward nurses.

I had a very intense, hope filled weekend. My friend's weekend was filled with morphine, dilantin and prayer.

I have felt utter fear and great relief within moments of each other. "No indications of permenant damage."

By God's sweet grace, I am confident in his full recovery. I left him this evening in the good hands of the Neuro Surgical Team. I had to leave, I hadn't left since Friday. Time and again the staff told me to go. Time and again I told them no. I finally did leave, at the protests of my heart I left him there in Flint at the Trauma Center. They will see him through this medically. I will help see him through this emotionally. I will be back there on Thursday, maybe by then he can come home....

where he belongs.

love me later ~ tj

Entry for August 20, 2006

What a sweet repose. I got an email from a friend yesterday. Not just a friend, but my best friend. I haven't heard from her in over a year. That isn't unlike Jo. She occasionally drops off the face of the earth. I respect that about her. Since her son committed suicide 8 years ago, I give her all the room she needs. I’ll never ever forget that day she called me. "My baby is dead". Her sweet, uncontrollable, genius, baby at 21 took his life. Cor was a child born old. An Indigo child. He felt life more than others do. So very sensitive and so very intellectual. He caused her grief while alive. The grief any mother would rather live with than the grief she suffers now. She and me been together since we were teenagers. To hear from her yesterday brought a rush of memories, old ones, the Mustang Lounge, new ones, the biker rally in Fenton, Mi a couple years ago. Yikes~ the stories we could tell after those three days! I intervene on her hermitting when I think she needs me, or when I need her I'll find her. I know her hangouts. I know her, and she knows me. We have to be best friends, we know too much about each other not to be. On top of hearing from Jo yesterday, I hear from Fred today. He is one of the three who know me best. I haven't heard from him in a coons age. He told me he just wanted to hear my voice and to know I was okay. I told him I'm better now that I spent an hour with him. It's the truth. I am very utterly selective in the friendships I make. In the friendships I keep. Sure there are those folks in life that you'd miss if they weren't there. The daily friends you work with, share a laugh or two over coffee, but then there are those friendships that span the years in a life. To hear from them back to back, after hearing from a dear friend just last week, one I didn’t think I’d ever hear from again, one I thought I hurt to badly to..... then talking with his daughter, a dear, sweet, true friend ... well it was a sweet repose.

Friends, what in the world would I ever do with you? You are the stories of my life that weaves the tapestry of our friendships. You are the colors and the hues that bring together a design which is me. Because of you, my friend, I am a more beautiful me.

... and I am smiling

love me later~tj

Bits and Pieces of my life ... August 12, 2006

I've been so darn busy. I had my Yard Sale. Cleared out the house and all the erroneous "stuff" that has been hanging around for years collecting dirt. I did save back a few things I want to put on eBay. This past week at work was a whirlwind of activity. We moved into a storefront and I put in 47+ hours at work! Yikes! That’s far to long to be working. It was a long week so I suspended my plans for this weekend and went and picked up my Booger last night. He stayed the night and slept with me here at my house. I can't get over how fast he is growing. He's rolling over, holding his own bottle and up on his knees. It won't be long now that he is crawling all over the house. His Mommy missed him so she picked him up around 8 tonight, but I got to spend my whole day pampering him. I think he pampered me instead. I feel so relaxed when I have him with me. We giggled and snuggled and I spent the day devoting myself to him, and loving him. And of course, taking pictures of him.

My life is taking an interesting change at the end of the month. On the 27th my friend is moving in with me. Our relationship has changed so much over the past couple of months. I'm excited and looking forward to my future with him. I have a difficult time with trust, but he has had my lifetime of knowing me. It makes sense to me that I would trust him.

Years ago he wrote a poem for me, which in itself was a sweet surprise, he's not a writing kind of a man, but yet he put himself out there for me. I found it last night and converted it so I could read it again.... It was dated February 20, 2001

"The stars up above remind me of you.

Your words, they fill my dreams.

I know they’re true. I feel it in my heart.

We chat to each other most every day.

You’re in my heart. I can’t get you away.

I can feel your touch (In my mind).

 We’re well connected, we’re one of a kind.

Your kisses will be, So soft, So strong, So deep.

They come to me darling, while I sleep."

I wrote down what he said to me on the phone just last night, it was so tender. I re-read it again today.

"We have a new beginning you and I.

I will always be there for you.

For your emotional, your intimate,  physical,  whatever needs you have.

I will be there.

I will be patient, loving, and caring.

I will do my best to fulfill your every need

I may fall asleep in front of the T.V. on the couch.

I may talk in my sleep and keep you awake.

But, I promise you I will be there for you, good, bad, ugly or otherwise,

I will be there.

I will listen to you and try to understand.

It doesn’t matter what it is, I will always listen..

I don’t care what it is or isn’t, I will be there.

I will teach you to dance.

I will give you absolutely no reason not to trust in me.

But, I can promise you that you will never want to wander outside my arms or outside my bed because I will always be there to take care of you emotionally and physically, because I love you. I always have, you’ve known that for years my dear.

I always promised you that one day we would be together and now I’m making my promise come true.

One day I will marry you.

I promise you.

And one day when the time is right, you will say yes.

I love you with all my heart and all my being.

you complete me

you are my heart

you are my soul

you are my everything

I have never in this world felt so loved, so cared for or so needed until I felt your arms around me.

I love you.

I’m not sure of a lot of things, but, I’m sure of two things.

I’m sure that I love you.

I’m sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

After all these years, I can't believe after all this time he broke through the door. I have loved him all my life, he says he has too, but it was different then. (The photo above was taken shortly after I first met him). It was a comfortable old shoe kinda love. A love reserved for a very small handful of people in my life. It's still that, but there has been a butterfly set free in my tummy, it's wings are tickling my soul. The phone calls come in, the visits, the late night talks, and I think of him. Every other thought, these past few weeks. He has so much to say and I am listening. He KNOWS me. He knows I run when I get cornered. He's watched me do it over and over again throughout my life. He just supported me as I ran once again a couple months ago. He's been my shoulder over and over throughout the years, when I would cry and want a friend. He's got arms that have held me, and a joy in his heart when I would call to laugh. He never lost touch with me, called me every three or four months throughout the years to chat. All through my life. He kept up with me, my relationships, my children. He helped me through the death of my firstborn, then through my divorces. He knows me. No surprises. He knows where I come from, who I am, all my silly quirks, all my neurotic tendencies, and he says he loves me because of, and in spite of them. He knows to shut up when I start twirling my hair. He knows I'm getting nervous when I start twirling.

I smile this big goofy grin thinking about him, and I shake my head in wonderment. I am amazed how suddenly he found his way into my soul. He's been in my heart for as long as I have awareness of time. The boy next door, actually 4 doors down. The man 150 miles away, is still that boy down the street, and I still love him, and I still need him, and I still want him, now I sit and ask myself, "When did this happen?" I asked my mom if I could have a relationship with him. She laughed out loud. His mom and my mom were best friends till she passed 5 years ago. She told me to do what I wanted, and asked me why I would ask permission for this fellow. I never asked her opinion on my beaus. Ever. It matters though. It matters that she's okay with it. Heck he's crashed on my couch so many, many times over the years. He and his wife were at the family functions until she took ill. She passed 2-1/2 years ago. Christmas day. He had a huge bonfire that night, her desired send off. A bonfire she could see from heaven. She has in her own way given me permission to be with him... So long as he’s happy she told me.

Oops the phone.....

He called. Just to tell me he misses me. He told me it was our time. Is it? Will I break his heart? Will I bolt for the door? I do that every time. It just takes awhile sometimes. It took 13 months with my first husband. 13 years with my second. Hmmm, 13 isn't a good number. I asked him not to go off to be with his brother as he was planning his move. I asked him to stay near me. Montana might as well be the moon. His house is selling. The mortgage company is in the works filing papers. He's coming my way, staying for me, because of me.

It's good and it's right, and it's my time.

and I am smiling....

love me later~ tj

Booger Love

You Are

I am your Yaya, you are my grandchild.

I am your quiet place, you are my wild.

I am your calm face, you are my giggle

I am your wait, you are my wiggle.

I am your finish line, you are my race.

I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace.

I am your lullaby, you are my peekaboo.

I am your good-night kiss, you are my I love you.

 

 

love me later~tj

Entry for July 26, 2006

My godmother took this photo of me and my mom at her 50th wedding anniversary. I love it. We are so much alike, me and mom. The day was an exceptional day. Everyone gathered at 2:00 for mom and daddy's ceremony. They re-committed to one another. Their life together has been and still is so full. All but a small handful of family joined together. Granddaughter Sarah was absent, she is in Iraq, nephew Cheyenne was absent, he is in Korea, nephew Eddie was absent, he is in Afghanistan and granddaughter Molly was absent, her work refused to let her off even though she put in for it 9 weeks in advance - work or be fired, so sadly she too was missed. Everyone else came together to celebrate. We shed tears of joy on the occasion as the preacher renewed their vows. Mom was glowing and daddy was so handsome. I escorted my daddy down the brick walkway to the gazebo. I kissed his cheek and told him how proud I was to be his daughter, then he turned around to watch my mom being escorted by my son up to the top of the hill where her one true love waited. It was very touching and sweet. We took photos and then zipped off to the hall where we gathered with friends, loved ones, neighbors, and family. We ate, drank, sang, laughed, danced and enjoyed to day. I connected with cousins and friends and aunts that I haven't seen in years. My cousin Mary was there with her son Ronald. I love this girl so darn much. We laughed together till I thought we'd pee ourselves. My son asked his girl to be his wife right there on the dance floor with all of us as witnesses as he protested his love for her. She said yes, and they've set a tentative date of "next year sometime". After we cleaned up and stored the food away, we moved the party to my mom and daddy's house. My friend Wally built a bonfire and all us 'old' cousins moved down the hill with music, beer and fire. We talked and drank and danced by the fire till 3 in the morning. All the 'young' cousins stayed up on top the hill, doing what we were doing, till about daylight. Us old folks petered out and drifted off to find beds and lay our heads down. It was a great night. It was a day of thanksgiving.

Scott and Chelsea are moving to Michigan City, Indiana so they can finish schooling. Chelsea's was accepted for an internship there, so they both have transferred their jobs up there - over there - and will start next week in a new town. My Becca is out on her own with her husband and son in their apartment. I miss my Boog terrible, but I will get him this weekend. I called to ask if I could have him Friday night. I want to take him to get his photograph made at the studio on Saturday.

I am thoroughly enjoying my solitude. I have been so busy cleaning out and scrubbing up my home. I have some big adjustments to make. I'm clearing out a lot of my things, so I can move new things in. I gave Becca my kitchen table and chairs, I gave Scott my bedroom suite. I want new. I'm moving my bedroom upstairs, using what is my bedroom now for an office, and taking this computer out of the living room. In a year or two I am building a garage, and decking my back porch and enclosing part of it, so I can put a hot tub out there. I have so many plans, goals and things to look forward to.

and I am smiling.

love me later ~ tj   

Entry for July 18, 2006

Finally, the day has come, they moved out!! It's  a bittersweet feeling. I'm so glad, happy, extatic, thrilled beyond belief that the big ones are gone. It's the little guy's presence I will miss everyday, anytime I want him or he wants his YaYa. He calms me and made their presence bearable. He is the reason I lived in a house, not my home.  So now, I take my house room by room and I find my home again.

It's nice to come home again......

and I am smiling.

love me later~tj

Entry for July 04, 2006

Finally out of work, sure gonna git out at 2:30 my butt. Got out at 5:45.  Grabbing a shower, a bite then heading off for the grandstands in HIllsdale. I guess the fireworks start at about 9:15 so I have a little time.

I missed the parade this morning. Our little town always does one up so nice. Where I grew up our neighborhood did a parade every 4th. The picture is of my daughter getting ready for the parade. Some folks don't care for it because it disrespects the American flag. I love this photo and all it represents. I'm proud to be an American. I'm proud that I raised a patriotic son who when overseas so that I could have my fireworks and wrap my baby daughter in an American flag on the 4th of July.  Freedom.

A friend from Oklahoma called me today to say "Happy Fourth of July" He said we might fall on hard times but we always have the freedom that many fought for. I read my friends blog, and he said it very well. I cherish this day, and I remember those who can't. I remember those who fought and lost.

I'm heading out alone tonight. I couldn't scrounge up a buddy to sit with me, but I want to oooh and aaah. It's my favorite part of the celebration. Good thing, because of work, I had no other festivities today.

O beautiful for spacious skies,

For amber waves of grain,

For purple mountain majesties

Above the fruited plain!

America! America!

God shed his grace on thee

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea!

love me later~ tj

 

Entry for July 04, 2006 Afterward

The fireworks as always delighted me. I ran into the most charming lil fella there. I couldn't resist a photo with him, he obliges me so well. I met a man there that ironically I was able to help. We sat on the grass together. He started talking and the contacts I have I was able to hook him up with some phone numbers that if he makes the call he will get the things he wants. Interesting night.

I had fun tonight, I'm tired, but I'm smiling.

love me later~tj

Entry for July 03, 2006

Goodness, I'm tired tonight. I watched my cat last night, I was up most the night watching him, but when I woke up this morning after 2 hours sleep, he was snuggled up to me like always. He is still twitchy but he's gonna be fine. I called the vet again today and shared his recovery with him. The vet said now I need to watch for kidney failure. So I'll watch and wait, but tonight he seems fine. Jumpy and twitchy but fine.

I went to mom's after work again. Tonight I washed windows and light fixtures. Jeez that woman has light in her house. I never realized it until I was up on a ladder washing the chandeliers as she calls them.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I'm working tomorrow as usual, and going to mom's as usual of late. If it doesn't rain I might head out to the fair grounds for 8 o'clock, cop a squat on the lawn in front of the grandstands and watch some air art. Eat a funnel cake and come home. Maybe.... 

Now I'm up for a bit longer tonight, I need to write a few things down that have been itching in my head.

love me later~ tj

Entry for July 02, 2006 Continued much later in the day

"..and collared and dropped Eugene with mega flea killer gunk, certain to annihilate all the fleas upon contact."

I woke up at 6:15 this morning to my cat having a seizure. He was so sick. I ran him into the bathroom to wash the gunk off him. I took off his collar and bathed him in cold water to close his pores so no more poison could enter his system. It was too late. He has it in his system. After I got him to eat a bite and drink some, he settled into my bed and hasn't moved in 11 hours except to allow me to drop water into his mouth every half hour. He's so sick.

I looked up the insecticide that was most prevalent in the drops, the shampoo, the collar, the sprays, and the foggers. PERMETHRIN

"...Some products contain permethrin, which can tremors, seizures, or death. Learn about permethrin toxicosis, and other ingredients hazardous to cats. ... The villain is a chemical called permethrin, which is known to be highly toxic to cats, causing permethrin toxicosis..."

I wanted the bugs to not bite the baby, but in the meantime, I nearly killed my cat. This insecticide was prevalent in ALL the products I used yesterday. I have no idea what will become of my beloved Eugene, only time will tell. Permethrin toxicosis is a nerve damaging situation. I pray he comes round. The vet said to be certain to water him, of course he preferred that Eugene be brought in, and be on IV's. I love my cat, yet on a Sunday morning over the 4th of July, the vet said 'bout $600.00. I cried. The vet gave me valuable information on what to do for Eugene at home. He is eating and taking water and those are both very good signs.

I called my daughter and told her not to bring the baby home until I was certain that the house was aired out. The little guy and Eugene weigh about the same, and I wanted no issues coming from the carpet of the sofa, poisoning my grandson. I asked her to stay away another night. I have been vacuuming every other hour today. I called poison control and asked them about the baby, told them about the cat. They recommended airing and vacuuming, and wiping. I washed all the bedding again today, I will leave the house wide open through the night so tomorrow all should be poison free.

....I just left Eugene after watering him. He watered himself, drinking from the bowl. He sat up wobbly, and twitchy, but sat up and drank on his own. Fingers crossed. God willing  (God knows I love that cat) all will be fine in a few days.

love me later~ tj

Entry for July 02, 2006 ~Ctenocephalides felis (Flea)

Dang, I think I'm done at my mom's house. I went over there today since I had to flea bomb my house and flea bathe my cat. That was a laugh riot a minute let me tell you. I think I'm going to have nightmares over the looks he was giving me while he was in the tub. I know I put 1 cat with 4 legs in the tub, but he cloned while in there, I was wrestling 5 soapy cats with 20 legs I'm sure! After I put him in his cat carrier and put him on the porch, I set off the spray cans and scooted out the door. I got to moms and walked her  pond with algaecide, measuring out precise amounts and making certian the entire pond had the right amount to kill off the algae. That's what my daddy told me to do, in reality I just flung handfuls of crystals out and into the pond till the container was empty. I did get all the way around the pond, so I reckon it will start to kill it off.  Then I hung curtians, fixed her rods, screwed, drilled and used man tools to do it, played Huck Finn to my daddy's Tom Sawyer as we painted a white picket fence together, stripped and made all her beds and went out to dinner with them. After dinner I ran up to the local Wally World and bought them out of flea eradication devices for the cat. I bought spray for the nooks and crannies the bombs wouldn't mist, and collared and dropped Eugene with mega flea killer gunk, certian to annihilate all the fleas upon contact. Did you know that they make devices you plug in the wall that make a noise only fleas can hear, that somehow kills them. I though about it, but at $39.00 I said nothanksyouvery much. So I think that I will be flea free after the next round of bombs, as I am well supplied with the impliments of war, which will be in 7 days. I WILL WIN THIS CAMPAIGN!!! I WILL PURGE MY DOMICILE OF THIS ENEMY!  Hehehe such a nuisance. Then of course I had to vacuum and clear out the bag and all the clean up duty in the house, but I am done, I need to wipe off counters but that can wait until morning.

I got a call tonight at about 5:30 to go out dancing...lol after the week I had, that's just what I needed to do. I laughed and politely said nothankyouverymuch. I haven't been dancing in years, other than with one little guy, in the livingroom of my own home, with shades drawn and lights low. I asked what made me pop in his mind when he thought dancing was a good idea? He told me it sounded like a great way to end a hard week. I said a hot tub with a margarita and a swedish massage by a blonde buck named Sven would be a better way end to a long hard week. So as you see I gave up the chance to dance, so that I could quelsh the vermin in my home. What a life!!!

I had a great day, I'm beat, I'm happy, but plumb tuckered out...

love me later~ tj

Entry for July 01, 2006

July 1 already. Lots of folks are celebrating today. I did this day last year too. This year however, I am flea bombing my house, and dipping my poor ole cat. He is miserable. My kid had a dog that was flea ridden, now that the dog is gone the cat takes the brunt of the issue. i have noticed 3 flea bites last week on the little guy, and that's so not okay. So this weekend I spend scouring the house and eradicating the fleas that have taken up residence here. I am not looking forward to it, but it has to be done. Funny how it feels so good to do for others, but doing for me sorta sucks.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

 MAY YOUR FIREWORKS BURST AND YOUR

BUBBLES NOT!

I'm putting off starting my day with just one more cup o' joe. Join me?

love me later~ tj

Entry for June 30, 2006

Today was another good day. I am tired, I had to take pain killers, but I worked hard and felt good about it. I put in my 8 for my boss, then went to moms and dug a 100 foot trench, raked a 50 foot hill, power washed her front slab of a porch (THAT took me 1-1/2 hours alone!). I took her garden tools up to the barn, took all the trash around (5 wheelbarrows up and down the hill) to the burn pile down the hill and then about fell down. I sat down, had a cup of coffee, chatted with my friend for awhile, took a shower, got dinner at 11:00, and waited for mom and dad to come home. They were tickled pink when they got in, and that was the effect I hoped for. I wasn't disappointed in their faces.

I put one of my favorite photos on this page. If you look very closely you will see a white snowy egret peeking through the trees. I love the memories surrounding this picture. That was a very good day too. I adore these snow white birds, more I think for the memories of discovering them than the actual, albeit beautiful birds. I have an idea for a sign shop I will one own and operate. I’m tossed up on the name of it, it will be either Snowy Egret Signage or Thistle Dew Signs. Both of these names come from photographs I took last year. This one that you see, and one I took of a thistle flower at an awesome lake in a state park that has fishing ‘piers’ of land jutting into it. I dreamt of this lake before and woke with the name in my head. Anyway that's for another day....

I’m tired tonight and that a good thing......

love me later~ tj

Entry for June 29, 2006

I'm tired tonight. It's Thursday night at 11:30 and I'm just getting in. I went to work for 9 this morning. I worked till 5:30 and stopped along the way to chit chat with a friend. I got to my mom's tonight around 6:15 to finish up the doors, I needed to paint the white trim on all 4 doors, and low and behold, there sat an old milk can and a wooden bench with a fold out table that both needed painting. I just laughed out loud and got to them. I was a forest green high gloss mess when I was done at 10:20 tonight. I showered and scraped my self off and sat and had coffee with my mom. I have been enjoying the heck outta my days, more and more as they go by. I'm tired tonight, but it's a good thing.

I'm sitting here having a cup of hot cocoa (raspberry of course!) and thinking about flea bombing my house on Saturday. My poor Euey is getting attacked now that the dog is gone. There are fleas in the carpet too, the baby has a flea bite on his arm, and I'm not happy about that! So I need to kick them all out Saturday and Saturday night, move the cat carrier onto the porch with Eugene in it, and bomb this place, and then go find me a place to hang out on Saturday. Three is a little park in Hillsdale that has some ducks and geese that I really like. I might just pack a lunch and head out to the monkeybars and hang out with a book for the afternoon. The bombs say I need to close up the house for 12 hours, come home and open doors and windows and then wait 2 more hours before I can come in. Now how in the world can I open the doors and windows without going into the place? Hmmmm.

The fireworks are Tuesday night. I missed the big show last year, didn't see any but the ones that were in the sky I saw as I was coming home that night. I had a great time last year missing the firesworks.... I might take the evening to go to the fairgrounds to look at them this year though. There is a little carnival there as well, it might prove to be fun. It would be more fun if I scrounge up someone to ooooh and aaaaaah with. I'll have to think about that, my main squeeze is much to jumpy around loud noises. It might scare the heck outta him, and I wouldn't want to turn him against fireworks. They are so beautiful.

I'm tired tonight, and that's a good thing.

love me later~ tj

 

Entry for June 27, 2006 ~Oh, Happy Day~

Today, I had a good day. I smiled a lot today. My bosses friend's daughter noticed. She notices a lot, I think she's a great kid. I put money in the bank to pay bills with, I worked, I had fun at work. My boss is generally a kind and gentle man, we have had our ups but besides our working relationship, we are friends. I suppose it's to be expected. I try my hardest to help him make money, sometimes I succeed, sometimes no matter what I do, money doesn't come in. The times, the season, the economy, it's all slow right now. Today I worked hard for him. I like listening to his ideas. He has some great ones. I learn a lot from observing him.  His friend is such a sweetheart, and accepts me as a fixture at the shop  (which is also his home). 

I woke up this morning with a phone call.  My friend  calls me often throughout the  day, just to connect with me. It's a good thing. I like that. He makes me smile, and I reckon it's noticable to some.

After work I went to my mom's and painted 4 doors. I have to go there again tomorrow for a second coat, and again on Thursday for the trim. I have been spending a lot of time with my folks, reconneting with them again. Mom made my favorite meal and as I sat there eating with them, I realized how lucky I am to have them.

I think that the weather helps my disposition. I hate winter. It's taken a long time to shake the winter blues away. A long time and some help from others. I had way too much on my plate, and I scraped most of it off, and left 'me time'  to connect and be gracious to others. I am happy, I am smiling, and I am digging my days.

love me later~tj

Entry for June 26, 2006 ~Changes~

Turn and face the strange, changes....

They are coming at me. So many changes all at once. But, I feel good, no I feel great, about them. I find myself in unfamiliar territory feeling so good about change. I have never embraced it. Once my furniture is placed, it never gets rearranged by me. Change scares me. It makes me feel out of control of the situation, which in turn makes me feel that I am losing the inner control of me. I have made changes and am EMBRACING them. {I feel wistful at the change in one relationship, but am looking forward to the day that he can accept me as a friend, for I really like him, am truly miss his presence in my life}. Beyond that I have made other changes, big changes, that are shocking the hell outta me. I feel for the first time since I left my ex-husband that my life is in alignment. I have control (I taken back control). I have no desire to let things happen as they may. I know what I want and I will direct my actions to obtain those things. I thought I wanted quiet solitude, and three weeks ago, I did. What I needed was a reevaluation. So I did. And damn I have direction and that one thing I lacked lately, self-esteem to make it happen. I have discovered that I am worthy of being treated well. No one should take advantage, but I was at fault for allowing it to happen. My adult children are moving out of my house on July 10. Thier apartment is ready for them on that day and they are beginning to pack. With them they take my precious boog, but oddly I am not only accepting that my baby daughter is leaving me and taking her baby to live with her husband, I am embracing , and am excited by it and look so forward to July 11.

My daddy made it. He is alive and well and will celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary with my sweet mother, in just 2 short weeks. The family is gathering in mass to celebrate the day. I have family coming in from Delaware, Virginia, California, Florida, Ohio and more. There are people I grew up with that I haven’t seen in 25 years coming to celebrate. I’m excited and awed for and by these two people I am proud to call my parents. The one constant that they carry through the years is the love they have for one another. Love so abundant that it flows to all they know.

After the celebration, I am taking my house seriously. I have a list of the things I can do for it and will get them done one by one. I am learning to ride my Honda. I might actually get it out of the parking lot and take it out on the road before summer ends.

I am smiling.

love me later~tj

Entry for June 26, 2006

Content. And I smile. The days are getting easier. Days of laughter. Sorrow leaves me as I accept and embrace the changes happening for me, around me and within me.

 

love me later~tj

For the rest and best years of my life.

I found this tucked away in my journal.... I liked writing it. For the rest and best years of my life. I chose to put it here, in hopes that he will read it and in his reading it recognize that it is he for whom this was written. It seems like I have loved him all my life. It is just recently that I aknowledged it. I'll accept it for what it is. And cherish it.

How beautiful the sentiment that Elizabeth Akers Allen proses. To find the love of your life in the later years. There are many times in a lifetime that the opportunity to love turns our way, but love wears a menagerie of hats; compassion, kindness, lust, passion, connectedness, pity, loneliness, need, familiarity, friendship, and concern all have a hat tagged for them in the realm of 'love'. There is but a few times in a lifetime that love, true love walks over your heart. It happened to me. I fell in love completely and entirely. I could not imagine my life without having ever found his love. I am one of the fortunate few who loves back completely and entirely. It happens, It's happening now. How long will he love me? For all my faded face years. For all my gray haired days. For all the rest and the best of my life.

Elizabeth Akers Allen 

At Last

At last, when all the summer shine 

   That warmed life's early hours is past, 

Your loving fingers seek for mine 

   And hold them close—at last—at last! 

Not oft the robin comes to build

   Its nest upon the leafless bough 

By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,—

   But you, dear heart, you love me now. 



Though there are shadows on my brow 

   And furrows on my cheek, in truth,— 

The marks where Time's remorseless plough 

   Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,—

Though fled is every girlish grace 

   Might win or hold a lover's vow, 

Despite my sad and faded face, 

   And darkened heart, you love me now! 



I count no more my wasted tears; 

   They left no echo of their fall; 

I mourn no more my lonesome years; 

   This blessed hour atones for all. 

I fear not all that Time or Fate 

   May bring to burden heart or brow,—

Strong in the love that came so late, 

   Our souls shall keep it always now!

love me later~tj

Entry for June 19, 2006 ~It Was A Beautiful Day~

What a beautiful evening. The breeze was blowing just enough to make it perfect walking weather, so I did. I asked my walking buddy if he wanted to go with me and he just smiled so big at the idea, so I packed us a bag and we headed out. I walked to my mom's house with him. That doesn't sound like much but mom lives a little piece away from me. Me and my buddy walked the back road. We saw so many things, cows, goats, a cat, groundhogs, birds, a bunny. He liked the birds the best. I picked him a daisy and he held on to it for almost an hour. It wilted in his hand, but he enjoyed it. He is such a great listener. He makes no judgement on what he hears. He just listens and at times his responses make me laugh. I taught him today what the colore green smells like. He liked it, the olfactory explaination of a color. I liked it too.

I showed him the sky. It was awesome. We took off at about 7:30 tonight. The sun was still in the sky and I had to shade his eyes for awhile. As we walked, the sky started tinging pink. It had these huge fluffy cotton ball clouds in it. They drifted lazily by as we passed the cows standing by the fence watching our progression down the road. It was supposed to rain tonight, but it didn't. It did however bring out the most in the clouds for us. They turned into pink cotton candy as we came up to the railroad tracks, and eventually turned into the deepest bruised plum color. The walk was worth the sights we saw.

There was a tree that I saw, and I shared with my buddy how profound I thought it to be. At one point in time the tree was massive. The homeowner has cut all the limbs off it leaving a skeleton of a tree. The branches chopped to the quick, yet at every severed limb was a burst of growth. White flowers were blooming in poodle tail puff balls on every one of those flat faced outcroppings. It refused to die, even though by the looks of it the tree should have given up hope. It didn't. It continues to thrive as best it can. In that funny looking oddball tree I found inspiration. I felt a kindred spirit with the tree. 

Life,  though often not fair, is always beautiful. There's a normal day today that I siezed to live in. I worked, I laughed, I found beauty and inspiration. I took time to help out a friend, and listened patiently on the phone while  another friend cried, as he spoke of his pain. I spoke kindly to the people who matter to me, and I walked with the love of my life. I taught him what the color green smells like.

It was a beautiful day.

love me later~tj

Entry for June 16, 2006 ...pure wrought

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tj june 16, 2006

Old Friends

Funny how sitting comfortably in middle age you can be transported back to grade school by just walking through a door. I grew up in a very tight knit community. Everyone in the neighborhood was not just a neighbor, they were an extension of family.  My God-Mother turned 70, and her daughter who now lives in Florida threw a surprise bash for her. Everyone was invited. It was held in a local pizzaria in our 'old' nieghborhood. We all showed up. My mother, myself and my daughter walked through the door and there I stood, looking at my girlfriends, my childhood sisters and we were 10 years old again. Sure we carried ourselves in older, wrinkled, graying bodies, but we were 35 years younger. We were awed and amazed at our children and we gawked over the changes in the boys. They were old.  Some of them were more handsome with age, some not. They were still ours. We learned about love and life with these boys. They were our 'firsts'.   The same laughter and giggles erupted from us as we spoke in whispers behind hands so no one knew what we were saying about whom.  It was a wonderful day. Grown up learnings about each other,  catching up on 35 years of living. Who married who, meeting spouses and laughing over young antics. Meeting children who rolled their eyes at us 'old folks' Looking at out parents and pampering and smiling fondly at thier table as we continued into the late afternoon, our kool-aid and pop of old replaced with beer and coffee.  Remember skinny dipping at the gravel pit? How about the garage rafters? Skipping school to go to Hudsons? Shhhh our mom's never knew. Remember when... Who was it that... The powerhouse... Growing up with this group of people was a treasure. One that is tucked away in box in my heart. I got to visit it yesterday. I unwrapped it, held it touched it and fondly remembered it as I met with a middle aged group of people in a pizzeria in my old nieghborhood.

love me later ~ tj

Entry for January 06, 2006

I write. Sometimes some words come to me, a thought that takes place and extends itself as I write the words on paper. This thought came to life between last night and tonight. I wrote it down. I thought I would share it here. Mind you I didn't claim to be a 'good' writer of words and thoughts, I said, "I write."  Keep this in mind when you read.           love me later ~tj

Wishes and Dreams

I crawled into bed utterly exhausted from my day. I was dressed in pink fuzz and huddled under an ancient ivory quilt, my head settled in my fluffed up pillow and I fiddled my shoulders around to find that perfect spot. After my body agreed that I had found it, I sighed a long breath of release. My mind has a way of going where it may at this time of the night, and it posed a question I uttered in a whisper. "If I wish hard enough will it make my dreams come true?" A mixture of bewilderment and excitement beamed from him, because we weren't taking our usual route to slumber. He heard my words, and eventually I heard his comforting voice answering my posed inquiry, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he answered me, but I was.

His voice was soft and silky conversing with me. "Dreams are tangible, while wishes need encouragement, but all in all they are one in the same." "How do you know this?" I looked into his eyes in a lazy, unfocused kind of way as I asked him. He is so wise, he raised one of his hirsute eyebrows and he winked a gold-green at me. I smiled as I nuzzled in close and asked him again. "Just how do you come to know this as fact?" He purred into my ear as I felt myself drifting off to walk amongst the clouds and catch jars of starlight before the dawn, "Take my word for it, I know these things." I snuggled in a little closer, rubbing his back, feeling the whiskers on his face tickle me and I sighed out, "When I was a little girl my father used to say, "If trouble ever troubles you, just dream your cares away."

Somewhere off in the distance beyond the moon’s glow I could hear Bette Midler singing. "A dream is a wish your heart makes when your fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true."

He must have heard the music in the night air as well, for a bit of time passed before he spoke again. "Dreams and wishes," now he spoke very carefully, deliberately. He was oh so knowing, "Dreams are to be fulfilled. You have so much more traveling to do. On your journeys you will find many stops and turning points, just look out for the one sign saying ‘Dream Boulevard’. Take it, and then, give it your best shot."

"And wishes?"  I whispered, with just a little too much hope in my voice.

"Now they are just a little bit different than dreams," He spoke to me in a hushed, husky, hypnotic matter. "Compared to wishes, dreams are substantial. The are a goal intended to be hit, and dreams stand a good chance of becoming the genuine real. True. Wishes are like so much fluff off a dandelion flower, one breath and it will scatter in the breeze. Now pay attention, my sweet girl, wishes were bestowed for a reason. It’s only a human’s nature to have an abundance of wishes. The secret is to pick out your most impassioned wish. Then you need to give courage to this wish, you may have to tweak it every now and again. Allow it time to grow and mature and eventually this wish will magically turn into a dream. A dream that has stemmed from a wish is a very powerful dream indeed, one that has every chance of fulfilling itself."

I unburdened my dreams and wishes on him, each one mumbled into the indistinct stretch of night. They came out garbled as sleepy-eyed slumber stole the words away, and placed them gently into the buckets of stardust the sandman held. Somewhere, sometime in the night, I looked down on hazy white fluff that twinkled from below. I felt safe enough to fall and land on it with an awareness of belief of wishes and dreams. ~ tj 1/6/06

Entry for January 05, 2006 I love words. Sometimes I think too much about them. Here's one....

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word ..

... and that is "UP."  If you are not confused after reading this you must really be messed "UP."

It's easy to understand UP,  meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so I'll shut UP...

Love me later~ tj

Entry for January 03, 2006

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

"To talk of many things:

Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--

Of cabbages--and kings--

And why the sea is boiling hot--

And whether pigs have wings."



Lewis Carroll  in Through the Looking Glass