I am left in a void that is threatening to swallow me whole.....

My Ma.

She didn't want me. That's how I started out in this life. Daddy wanted me. Ma was 22 and already tired from raising those boys. Another child was the last thing she needed she told my daddy, but he wanted to try for a girl, a princess for him. And so I was conceived. She told me this story that always ended with this line, "I wouldn't have given up on you the second I laid my eyes on you". She has spent her life never given up on me. Clumsy as I have been throughout this life, Ma was the one who always steadied me. She'd pick me up dust me off and set me straight again.

She has been my most influential teacher. She has taught me everything I ever needed to know about life. Her pride in the little things in life gave me a good understanding of what is important enough to strive for to be a success. She counted her riches in the sticky little kisses her great grands left of her cheeks. She counted her assets in the crystalline sounds of laughter coming from her children. The treasure box of her life was filled with the her grandchildren's accomplishments.  

Family was the backbone of her life. She lived that, and showed me how to as well. Family gatherings every Easter, babies and old folks, always welcomed. During these times you could not walk through Ma's house at night without tripping on someone. People laid out sleeping in every room, on every floor. Love and laughter and gatherings were my Ma's gift.

She stood next to me when my children, Scott and Becky were born. She stood next to me years later when my grandchildren Brody, Cloey and Daisy were born. She is the foundation of my family. As we grew older the bond between us strengthened. I held no secrets from my momma to her chagrin, and still, she remained my biggest and most loyal fan.

 

My momma was so much more to me than a parent. She was my best friend, my travel buddy, my partner in crime. She was my confidant, and my rock. She may not have been an obvious hero, but to me she was. I have no idea what my life is going to look like without her in it. I wonder if she knows how afraid I am, in this world without her, alone with a vast emptiness growing inside of me.

 

Ma was 77 in November. Her spirit and tenacity has served her well throughout every one of those years. My momma was quirky, adorable, endearing, fun and beautiful. I am the luckiest woman in the world, because I get to say that I am Shirley Butcher's daughter.

 

I love you momma.

Till we meet again.

Pain Filled Goodbyes

Life is so full of pain.

Today step grandson left with his mother. The woman is a real piece of work. I'll leave the details of the encounter in my brain. Needless to say it was memorable. Daughter's husband never took to the court to get a paper saying he'd stay. The mother will drop step grandson back off when he fails to live up to her expectations of how a son should act....

Left in the wake are 3 grandchildren crying over a lost brother. A father crying over his lost son. A step mother crying over her lost son, I didn't add the word step. She loves that boy like he's her own.

I'll see this little man back in life again, the next time his mother doesn't want him anymore. I left him with tears in my eyes, and I told him that I love him to pieces and that I'll be here waiting for him when he comes back. He asked me if I would still be his Yaya. I told him forever and ever, he'd never be alone, just close his eyes and Yaya will be in his heart.

What else could I say to a six year old boy who entered my world and became a part of the very fabric of my life.

Mr. Little Man, Yaya loves you - forever and for always.

What a crazy twisty road I have been driving down for the last 6 or 7 months. Life was good, then my then my daughter moved back home. She brought with her a husband, a son, a daughter, a daughter, a son and a cat. And mayhem, and noise, and pouting, and screaming, and hatred, and emotions, and prepubescent tantrums, and autistic tantrums, and 6 year old tantrums, and 8 year old sass. I have had days of enough stubbornness to supply a mule farm for a lifetime.

Then there is the flipside

I love that my days are filled with these people in my home. I really like them. They are sweet and silly and joyous. They make me laugh, and giggle, and dance to a music that is not heard but felt.

To those days that are less than joyous, the screaming in each others faces, gouging fingernails into faces, spinning and stemming, meltdown over technology, fighting over movies kind of days, I think back to when the house was quiet and I lived alone, and the babygrands visited. I recall those days fondly, and I miss them a lot.

To those days that are marked with giggles and cuddles and reading, and playing I think back to when the house was quiet and I lived alone, and I recall those days as empty, holding a void that was dark and lonely.

So there we have the road I have been traveling. Ups and downs. Rights and lefts, Starts and stops.

in the end, I'm happy.