...and AGAIN!

Afterwards we have a bonding moment.

She told me after I was awake, downstairs and was cleaning blood off the bat whacker that she heard my grandson fussing in his portable and she got up to have a look see at him. She was leaning over him when WHAP! She gets it upside the head by an unknown flying object. She turns around and sees it's my nemesis, THE BAT!

Daughter: "I wouldn't have been out for blood until it did that, but now it made it PERSONAL."

My sweet daughter hollered up the stairs at me at 4:00 this morning.

She threw open the door, and propped the screen door open. With the broom in hand she followed it into the kitchen and watched in disgust as it flew upstairs where I was sleeping. Knowing how I am, she threw up this warning to me:

"Momma, GIT UP! there's a b-a-t up there and I'm out to kill that motherfucker!"

I took my natural stance in such a crisis. Cowardly cowering under the covers, pillow over my face, and shouted to her, "DO IT!"

I heard the fuss in the little bedroom. I heard her curses, "Die motherfucker die!" Sensing the swiftness of the demise of the winged heathen, I got out of the bed...tippytoed and with utmost fear in my voice asked her, "Did ya kill it baby?" Bat pulp smeared the floor and walls of the little bedroom upstairs when she was done. She was in an adrenaline rush and with arm pumping the air the yelled, "Hell YEAH! It's a dead motherfucker now Momma!" I gave her a towel and she scooped up the semi-liquid remains and we headed downstairs. Pats on the back and much adoration thrown her way, I thought, "That damn thing should never have messed with a very tired, very pregnant, very pissed off woman! YEAH!"

I forgave her unladylike language. She had slain the beast that stalked me, the same one I thought had flown out the door last night.

She is my Hero.

and I am smiling...

love me later ~ tj

Chiroptera - AGAIN

I need to start this a few days ago, so you understand why my grandson was with me in the kitchen alone on a Thursday night...

It's nothing ... really.

I had a little medical issue on Wednesday. My heart was racing, I was having palpitations, sweating and flushed. I was getting a tad confused. I was scared. It happened on and off all day and by 2:00 in the afternoon, I left work and took myself to the hospital. I was strapped to monitors, injected with IV's, oxygen forced up my nose. Then my daughter called.

Daughter: "Whatcha doing momma?"

Me: "Just laying down, thinking of taking a nap."

Daughter: "At work Momma?"

Me: "I'm not at work right now, I took the rest of the day off work."

Daughter: "Why is that momma? Where are you?"

Me: "In the hospital, I'm sorta tangled up in IV's and wires, this air thing in my nose is annoying me."

Daughter: "I'll call you right back!"

I did take a nap. About an hour later my precious daughter walked in the room. I filled her in on my day. She was white with worry. I assured her there is nothing to worry about, so far the tests are all good.

Daughter: "Momma, I tell you what, I'm so mad at with you right now, I could spit nails. You call me when you have a cold, but you let this slide by?"

Me: "Sorry. I was gonna call if there was something wrong with me."

Daughter: "There is...."

Me: "I mean with my heart."

The verdict is in...I am normal.

Nothing could be found that was abnormal. I was sent home with a heart monitor strapped to my chest for 24 hours. My daughter drove me home. She called my mom to come get her, she wanted to stay and needed to go get the baby. Then the hospital called me. You need to come back to the hospital tonight, they told me. There was something wrong with my heart, but it wasn't my heart that started it. As is turned out, my potassium was so low it interfered with my heart. Two huge potassium pills later and I was good to go. My daughter wasn't convinced. She remained glued to me since Wednesday afternoon. I really am okay. Thank God it was an easy fix.

It's difficult walking with children glued to me.

So I went through my next day at work, with my grandson and daughter by my side, making sure I wasn't going to die. I didn't and we had fun. I was back at the hospital after 5:00 p.m. to get the monitor off. Then we came home, ate dinner and played. Booger loves my red broom. He loves to "clean" my kitchen. He doesn't let it go when he's here. Later in the evening my daughter went to the store for milk. She left me and Booger in the kitchen. I was drinking coffee and the Boog was in his highchair having chocolate milk and Ritz crackers. The broom propped next to his highchair. Then out of the depths of hell came the sound I know I dread. . .

"Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-ee"

The broom dance begins at 9:30 on Thursday night.

Three thoughts ran through my head simultaneously.

1.) RUN!

2.) Don't scare the Boog.

3.) OH SHIT OH SHIT Oh Shit Oh Shit oh shit oh shit ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!!!

I snatched up the broom, did the door dance, and ran to stand guard over the Boog. My thoughts were fierce, "I dare you motherfucker, to come near him." The bat swooped by us and I crouched down swinging the broom over my head. It flew into the living room, circled and flew back. I gripped the broom tighter and swung it. The bat went into the laundry room. I snatched the baby out of the high chair and ran outside. I stood waiting for my daughter. This was not the night for her to go visiting!

The skeeters were biting him, he didn't want to be outside. He wanted to be inside with Ritz crackers and chocolate milk. Shit! After about 15 minutes, I took him inside. I put him back in the highchair. I did this with hairs standing straight up on the back of my neck, goose bumps running tracks around my body. I sat, made high squeaky baby-talk to him. Boog just looked at me confused. He didn't like the "Granny Broom Dance" I had performed for him. The crackers caught his attention, and then...."Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-ee" ... it was back. I ducked and covered the Boog. I swung the broom and out of the corner of my I saw it fly out the door!

VICTORY WAS MINE!!!

Oh, I bragged to my daughter when she walked in, milk in hand. I called my mom who shared in my victory. Sweet victory that took an 18 month old baby to help me overcome a deep seeded fear. I guess my deep seeded need to protect overpowered the fear of the winged devil.

Ding Dong the bat was gone, the wicked bat, the ungodly bat.. .

I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

love me later~tj

Chiroptophobia

Chiroptophobia

It was late at night....2:00 in the morning. I was sleeping on the couch, not well, but sleeping.

Belzebub's Hidyhole is in my bedroom.

I was on the couch sleeping not so well because I moved my bed upstairs. My once-upon-a-time boyfriend started making a closet up there for me, but got only as far as pounding a board in the wall and taking off my attic door. I called that opening "the maw for night creatures" when I slept up there. Shortly after moving my bed upstairs, I asked my alcoholic good-for-nothing, ex-boyfriend. not-in-my-lifetime-fiance', to move out. I wasn't overly polite about it. A drunk is a drunk-is a drunk. he left without finishing the closet. With the Passageway to Hell gaping in my bedroom and the fact that I have never in my life lived alone, and I was all but a little freaked about sleeping in my big house unaccompanied, I found myself on this particular Thursday night, cuddled under the blanket on the couch with my cat - poorly doing the deep sleep.

That's when I heard it ... Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-ee.

That sound froze my breath. My hair stood on end. My cat flew from my arms - I was squeezing the life out of him. The blanket sailed over my head. When my heart began to beat again, it started in at hyper-speed. It was beating in my throat. I started to shake. I knew I was going to vomit. I was gasping for air. I heard these horrible little choking noises and realized they were coming from me. It was so dark under the blanket, but there was danger lurking outside of this shelter I had thrown around me. I snuck my arm out slowly, slowly, slowly, so that no one would see the movement. I felt for my phone. Gingerly I touched it and snatched it back into the hastily made sanctuary with me.

I dialed 911. The conversation went something like this:

911 Operator: "This is 911, what is your emergency?"

Me: - gasping for air, quietly so no one would hear - trying desperately to give sound to the voice that was squeaking from my mouth -

911 Operator: "Hello, is anyone there? Please state your emergency."

Me: - squeaking and hyperventilating - "I am her-rrrrrrrrrrrrrrre. PLEASE send the police."

911 Operator: "State your emergency please."

Me: "There's an intruder in my home! Send a cop to get me out."

911 Operator: "You have an intruder in your home ma'am? Where are you?"

Me: - still hyperventilating and now crying as well - "I'm u-u-u-nder the co-co-covers on mymymy co-co-co-couCH!"

911 Operator: "You are hiding under the covers on your couch ma'am?"

Me: - hicupping, hyperventilating and crying - "Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes!"

911 Operator: "Why?"

Me: "Sotheintruderdontgetme."

911 Operator: Let me see if I have this right ma'am. You are hiding under the blankets on your couch at 2:10 in the morning so the intruder in your home won't get you?

Me: "Yes. That is exact-ly-ly-ly ri-ri-right! Send someone PLEASE."

911 Operator: "Does the intruder have a weapon ma'am?"

Me: "Yes! Teeth, BIG TEETH!"

911 Operator: "Ma'am could you please calm down, I'm having a difficult time understanding you. Did you say teeth is his weapon?"

Me: "Yes! Oh, my GOD! Oh MY GOD, oh my god, ohmygod, ohmygodohmygodohmygod."

911 Operator: "I have your information pulled up here, ma'am are you Tammy?"

Me: "Yes, Tammy, that's me."

911 Operator: "Tammy can you tell me what exactly is in your home?"

Me: "A b-b-b-b-bat-t-t-t-t-t."

911 Operator: Chuckling - "We can't send an officer to remove a bat Tammy."

Me: "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO!!!!! Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygo OH MY GOD!"

911 Operator: "Tammy, if you don't calm down, I will send an ambulance."

Me: "Will they get it out?"

911 Operator: "No, but you need to calm down."

Me: "ok."

911 Operator: "I can tell you what the animal control states to do in a case like this, are you still with me Tammy?"

Me: "uh-huh."

911 Operator: "First, open your door, and prop the screen open."

Me: "But that means I have to get out from under the covers!"

911 Operator: "Yes."

Me:"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!"

911 Operator: "You can do this Tammy, Is there anyone you can call to help you?"

Me: "Yes, I called you to help me."

911 Operator: "I'll stay with you here Tammy, you need to do this, you have yourself so worked up you are going to need an ambulance if you can't settle down. Now, first thing is get off the couch......"

I enjoy camping out in my truck every now and then.

I did as the 911 operator instructed. I got up, leaving the blanket draped over my head. I ran crouched low, the hundred miles to the door, flinging it wide open, and in that same motion I flung open the screen door and pushed the lever to hold it. I sprinted out to my truck and sat in it at 2:45 in the morning finally talking sanely to the 911 operator. She told me I sounded better - Well duh! I wasn't in there with IT. - She offered all kinds of animal control advise. I just sat on the phone with her, my new best friend. No I told her I won't go back in there if IT is in there. Yes, I told her, I would like to sleep in my truck instead. No I haven't seen IT fly out. Then she spoke of a man......

Laughter is an expression or appearance of merriment or amusement.

The 911 Operator called him for me. He lives a piece away from me. He charges $50.00 to come out at 3:15 in the morning. The Critter Guy. Send him, oh lord yes send him to me! She did. Bless her soul, she stayed on the line and waited on hold while I talked to him when he called me. No, I'll be okay now I told her, I'll wait right here. No I haven't got my coat on, jeez, I was trying to sleep when I was attacked I told her. Yes I'm in my truck at 3:45 in the morning with a t-shirt and panties on. I have my blanket I said, I won't freeze. No I can't turn on the heater in my truck - the keys are in the house with IT - She laughed out loud at me. She really did. A great Guffaw came pounding into my ear. Glad you find it humorous I told her. I wasn't anywhere near laughter. I was 6 months away from laughter.

What kind of specialist needs a tennis racket?

The Critter Guy showed up at 4:30. I had been diligently watching the door. No IT had not flown away. No I never took my eyes away from the door. He used all the tools of the trade he had brought with him. A stick and a tennis racket, a cloth and a flashlight. He searched my house. Every nook and cranny was examined at my insistence. The Critter Guy did not locate the object of my demise. He assured me, ASSURED ME that the bat was gone, flew the coop while I wasn't looking. Okay then. I'm tired and I need to be to work in an hour and a half.

Coffee, spades and a goodnight's sleep is on order in that order.

I took a long shower and went to work. I worked late into the evening and got home about 9:00 that night. I was exhausted. I came in the house, got a cup of coffee and my broom and sat down at the computer. I just started a game of on-line spades with a couple on-line friends, when I heard it - Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-ee.

Self-Preservation - Self-Motivation

I flew from my chair, grabbed my broom as I pushed open the door and jammed the lever of the screen door home. I stood outside breathing hard, nearly crying. I heard the 911 Operator's voice echoing in my head - You can do this Tammy - I couldn't. A neighborhood boy came up to me and asked me what was up? A bat I told him. Oh Momma he says, you're a big scardey cat! Yup. I shore 'nuff am. He went in the house. Searched high and low - again, no bat.

God had a nightmare when He created IT.

10:30 same night. Same trying to sleep but not sleeping on the couch. Same Wha-pa wha-pa, wha-pa ee-ee-eeeeeeeeeee. This time, I rise to the occasion. I grab my newest accessory, still in its cellophane wrappings, I call it a bat whacker, It's a racquetball racket. I do the door dance, I stand outside on my sidewalk facing the door. That's when it happened. ~ Thee biggest, hairiest, scariest creature God ever put on this earth flew straight at me. Whoosh - I felt my hair move as it veered upwards - just missing my face. I felt the goose bumps come. First on my neck and they worked their way down my body, as did the shudder of relief that came moments later.

... "thee abode of Satan and the forces of evil; where sinners suffer eternal punishment are hurled headlong...To bottomless perdition, there to dwell"- John Milton

I sleep a little sounder now. Still on the couch, as the gates of hell stand open in my bedroom - my handyman is booked until January - The couch tends to get a little crowded at night though, there's three of us there... me, my cat and my bat whacker, at least until hibernation season comes...

love me later~tj