How do you spell tittylateing?

It took an advise columnist to solve my dilemma.

I sent a question to an advise blogger a while back. I should have waited for his answer before venturing to the on-line dating scene. I admire his honest answers and have become quite smitten with him. I told him I would like to find me a man as studly as he, and to give me the advise I sought. His byline reeks of his credentials as an Prominent Advisor...

"i am smart n i lik to give gud advise. let me hep yew."

Cletus McGillicuddy, sow holler, Tennessee US

After sharing a terrifying ordeal that he himself had with online dating, he offered me this advise:

"so enyhow ta maik uh long story short yew kin tell them thare fellers enythin ya wannna cuz everwon on the innernet lyes enyway."

My next day off of work is a week from this Saturday.

So tonight I am re-writing my profile for my online dating service. I need to get this done quickly if I am going to snag a date for my next day off work; that is just a week from this Saturday! I thought about the men that answered my ad in the first round of on-line dating. I went and re-read all those profiles to see if any one of them mentioned words like Daddy, Loser, Exhibitionist, Abhorrent, Swinish or Morally Depraved. Nope, ok, So where to start....

My pencils are sharpened, my paper is blank... Think!

Old Tagline Looking for someone to share a life with... Well this got me nowhere. I need something snappy, something ....powerful and eye catching. Steamy Leathered Lady Desires Bondage.... hmmmm, not a good start. Ok, THINK! What is it that men really want? Oh sure they toss around words like, Romantic, Candlelight, Stable, Intelligent, and Humorous; when they really mean WHAT?. Duh! I think I have it! The perfect on-line dating profile!

How do you spell tittylateing?

New Tagline: I am a Nymphomaniac!

Who am I looking for? I am looking for a man who's only quest in life is to have a great sex ...in bed, on the floor, in the shower, at the NASCAR races, in the garage, nowhere, noplace, no time is off limits! He must subscribe to all naughty "books of wisdom" and never read the articles! He must watch all the sports on T.V. and only talk of sports and his job in any conversation we have, ever! He must love red lace lingerie, black stiletto shoes, and fish-net stockings!

My turn-ons? I love a man who wears sloppy sweat-pants that shows the crack of the moon! Hairy chests and beer belly excite me! I find the sound of a beer can opening titillating! There's nothing more sexy to me than a man in old worn out boxer shorts, sitting in a recliner with a remote in one hand and a beer in the other! Belching and scratching stimulate me! Ball caps and greasy hair are the quintessential duo to take me over the edge of desire!

My hobbies? Cooking, sex, cleaning, sex, waiting hand and foot on my man, sex, raising other people's children, sex, repairing vehicles, sex, houses, sex, and appliances, sex, shoveling snow in the winter, sex, and mowing the lawn in the summer, sex, and I love bobble-head collections! Did I mention sex?

If you think I am the woman for you, tell me so! Until we meet... XOXO

I wonder if Cletus would approve?

and I am smiling....

love me later~tj

Entry for August 14, 2007 - Online Dating

Yeah, I tried it once. I had an offer for a free trial on one of these sites so I sat down and thought, "Why not?" I'd like a date so I wrote a profile, In 500 words or less tell the world of men who you are and what makes you uniquely you. I took my time to write the profile that would persuade Mr. Right. to tune into me. Not wanting to sound desperate, or too needy, or too picky to a man, this is what I came up with:

Tagline: Looking for someone to share a life with.....

Profile: "I want to meet someone who lives nearby. I own my own home, I have my own income, I don't need a man to make decisions for me or to help me get through life, I am self-sufficient and self-reliant. I'm not looking for you to take care of me, I just want to find that someone who can share a life with me. I'm too old for head games, fuck-buddies or just hanging out without a goal in mind. I have 2 kids who have their own lives. I have a couple of grandchildren who I adore. I am a big gal... I've been every size there is under the sun, and fate says big. I am who I am. If your into fit, athletic and thin types, click "next". If you don't have a job, have no goals in life, drink like a fish, inhale, inject or seek an altered reality click "next". If you have ever been busted for a DUI, domestic abuse, theft or are on any existing sex offenders list, click "next". I am a redhead and ornery and fiery. I love with passion and give all that I am in the right relationship. Think you can handle me? Drop a line.....I might send a line back."

I looked at the sessions they had to offer. Web seminars on topics of interest such as "How to Catch and Keep a Man", (sounds as good as catching an std from a man 'eh?) "Dating Advise" (No dates in months and none on the horizon so I guess I need the advise), "Profile Reviews" (claimed I was too picky, and that I needed to show a little desperation), and the all inclusive "Broken Hearts" (hmmmmm). I did a personality test to determine I suppose if I was datable. I finished the Compatibility Test. Was this test to determine with whom I was most compatible? Let's see....

The Compatibility Test measures five broad dimensions of personality that are each essential for building a romantic relationship. It's not the case that a person must be "high" on each of the personality characteristics to be in a relationship. Instead, what is important is how your personality interacts with the personality of your romantic partner on each dimension. Or what is commonly called "chemistry." Based on decades of empirical research in psychology, the Compatibility Test captures the five key ingredients that can determine whether or not two people have the "right" chemistry.

With the research done and my new found knowledge, I set off to find my Mr. Right....

Mr. 100% wanted children, that little piece of info turned him into Mr. 0% fast! Mr. 99% was a loud mouthed bigot who thought I might be interested in his opinions, and a "spanking behind a bush"?!? Then there was Mr. 91% who stopped listening to me after the word "Hello?" was uttered from my mouth. He thought that photos of caskets and disgusting songs of equally poor taste of dead people and one sided conversations of autopsies were a turn on to me. (I should have added that to my profile....duh!)

Okay, I thought, let's try a different approach to this...Mr. 27% "NASCAR Enthusiast Seeks Woman to Rev His Engine!" is what his tagline said.... So I looked further and read his profile. It went something like this.....

"Hulo im Bubba. I wan 2 luv a gurl that luvs cars and beer. Mi gurl wood wan 2 wair blak lase win she cuks, and cleens. Mi gurl wood luv lawn art. O & mi gurl wil luv mi hed... yeehaw! Mi gurl also must no ho to kownt & role penys. I hav a rite many inna jar inna udder room. U wana no abote me? Im a rite gud lokin man. I gots me a ballcap kolecshun & mosly all mi teeth. I wurk inna geeraje chanjin orl inda cars. I gits me a regalr paychek so U hav no worees I wil treet U gud!"

Okay, now then, ahem, maybe I shot at too low on the compatibility test rating scale. So I look some more .... Mr. 89%... successful, income, shelter, no little children, wants no more children.......I'm intrigued.....I emailed him, asked why he doesn't have a photo of himself online, he adds me to his friends list and Instant Message's me, a minute after hello, he offers me to view his webcam. Interesting I think as I accept his invitation. The screen goes from black to focused, and what am I looking at when I finally see him..... No handsome face to put with that profile? NOOOOOOooooooo!, I see nothing but a hand, stroking it. So I watched the show, and add him to my ever increasing ignore list on my Messenger.....

Here's a fellow, Mr. 87%... Caring, honest, funny, loving and smart.....hmmmmm He failed to mention sweet, handsome, giving and kind to his list. He was those things as well. Would make any woman happy....if they didn't mind a man who can't drive, who for whatever circumstances lives with mom, and lives quite a distance away .... (didn't I mention I want a fellow who lives NEARBY?) okay, I gotta admit, leaving this fellow behind hurt a tad, but I wouldn't see past the distance of it, couldn't see past the chauffeuring of it. After two dates I knew it wasn't meant to be for us.

So the night I said goodbye to Mr. 87% I logged into the site I placed my ad on and politely deleted it. I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Right doesn't own a computer.

I'm off to the store now, I'm stocking up on batteries ... C'est la vie.

and I am smiling....

love me later~tj