Yeah, I tried it once. I had an offer for a free trial on one of these sites so I sat down and thought, "Why not?" I'd like a date so I wrote a profile, In 500 words or less tell the world of men who you are and what makes you uniquely you. I took my time to write the profile that would persuade Mr. Right. to tune into me. Not wanting to sound desperate, or too needy, or too picky to a man, this is what I came up with:
Tagline: Looking for someone to share a life with.....
Profile: "I want to meet someone who lives nearby. I own my own home, I have my own income, I don't need a man to make decisions for me or to help me get through life, I am self-sufficient and self-reliant. I'm not looking for you to take care of me, I just want to find that someone who can share a life with me. I'm too old for head games, fuck-buddies or just hanging out without a goal in mind. I have 2 kids who have their own lives. I have a couple of grandchildren who I adore. I am a big gal... I've been every size there is under the sun, and fate says big. I am who I am. If your into fit, athletic and thin types, click "next". If you don't have a job, have no goals in life, drink like a fish, inhale, inject or seek an altered reality click "next". If you have ever been busted for a DUI, domestic abuse, theft or are on any existing sex offenders list, click "next". I am a redhead and ornery and fiery. I love with passion and give all that I am in the right relationship. Think you can handle me? Drop a line.....I might send a line back."
I looked at the sessions they had to offer. Web seminars on topics of interest such as "How to Catch and Keep a Man", (sounds as good as catching an std from a man 'eh?) "Dating Advise" (No dates in months and none on the horizon so I guess I need the advise), "Profile Reviews" (claimed I was too picky, and that I needed to show a little desperation), and the all inclusive "Broken Hearts" (hmmmmm). I did a personality test to determine I suppose if I was datable. I finished the Compatibility Test. Was this test to determine with whom I was most compatible? Let's see....
The Compatibility Test measures five broad dimensions of personality that are each essential for building a romantic relationship. It's not the case that a person must be "high" on each of the personality characteristics to be in a relationship. Instead, what is important is how your personality interacts with the personality of your romantic partner on each dimension. Or what is commonly called "chemistry." Based on decades of empirical research in psychology, the Compatibility Test captures the five key ingredients that can determine whether or not two people have the "right" chemistry.
With the research done and my new found knowledge, I set off to find my Mr. Right....
Mr. 100% wanted children, that little piece of info turned him into Mr. 0% fast! Mr. 99% was a loud mouthed bigot who thought I might be interested in his opinions, and a "spanking behind a bush"?!? Then there was Mr. 91% who stopped listening to me after the word "Hello?" was uttered from my mouth. He thought that photos of caskets and disgusting songs of equally poor taste of dead people and one sided conversations of autopsies were a turn on to me. (I should have added that to my profile....duh!)
Okay, I thought, let's try a different approach to this...Mr. 27% "NASCAR Enthusiast Seeks Woman to Rev His Engine!" is what his tagline said.... So I looked further and read his profile. It went something like this.....
"Hulo im Bubba. I wan 2 luv a gurl that luvs cars and beer. Mi gurl wood wan 2 wair blak lase win she cuks, and cleens. Mi gurl wood luv lawn art. O & mi gurl wil luv mi hed... yeehaw! Mi gurl also must no ho to kownt & role penys. I hav a rite many inna jar inna udder room. U wana no abote me? Im a rite gud lokin man. I gots me a ballcap kolecshun & mosly all mi teeth. I wurk inna geeraje chanjin orl inda cars. I gits me a regalr paychek so U hav no worees I wil treet U gud!"
Okay, now then, ahem, maybe I shot at too low on the compatibility test rating scale. So I look some more .... Mr. 89%... successful, income, shelter, no little children, wants no more children.......I'm intrigued.....I emailed him, asked why he doesn't have a photo of himself online, he adds me to his friends list and Instant Message's me, a minute after hello, he offers me to view his webcam. Interesting I think as I accept his invitation. The screen goes from black to focused, and what am I looking at when I finally see him..... No handsome face to put with that profile? NOOOOOOooooooo!, I see nothing but a hand, stroking it. So I watched the show, and add him to my ever increasing ignore list on my Messenger.....
Here's a fellow, Mr. 87%... Caring, honest, funny, loving and smart.....hmmmmm He failed to mention sweet, handsome, giving and kind to his list. He was those things as well. Would make any woman happy....if they didn't mind a man who can't drive, who for whatever circumstances lives with mom, and lives quite a distance away .... (didn't I mention I want a fellow who lives NEARBY?) okay, I gotta admit, leaving this fellow behind hurt a tad, but I wouldn't see past the distance of it, couldn't see past the chauffeuring of it. After two dates I knew it wasn't meant to be for us.
So the night I said goodbye to Mr. 87% I logged into the site I placed my ad on and politely deleted it. I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Right doesn't own a computer.
and I am smiling....
love me later~tj
