Entry for June 29, 2006

I'm tired tonight. It's Thursday night at 11:30 and I'm just getting in. I went to work for 9 this morning. I worked till 5:30 and stopped along the way to chit chat with a friend. I got to my mom's tonight around 6:15 to finish up the doors, I needed to paint the white trim on all 4 doors, and low and behold, there sat an old milk can and a wooden bench with a fold out table that both needed painting. I just laughed out loud and got to them. I was a forest green high gloss mess when I was done at 10:20 tonight. I showered and scraped my self off and sat and had coffee with my mom. I have been enjoying the heck outta my days, more and more as they go by. I'm tired tonight, but it's a good thing.

I'm sitting here having a cup of hot cocoa (raspberry of course!) and thinking about flea bombing my house on Saturday. My poor Euey is getting attacked now that the dog is gone. There are fleas in the carpet too, the baby has a flea bite on his arm, and I'm not happy about that! So I need to kick them all out Saturday and Saturday night, move the cat carrier onto the porch with Eugene in it, and bomb this place, and then go find me a place to hang out on Saturday. Three is a little park in Hillsdale that has some ducks and geese that I really like. I might just pack a lunch and head out to the monkeybars and hang out with a book for the afternoon. The bombs say I need to close up the house for 12 hours, come home and open doors and windows and then wait 2 more hours before I can come in. Now how in the world can I open the doors and windows without going into the place? Hmmmm.

The fireworks are Tuesday night. I missed the big show last year, didn't see any but the ones that were in the sky I saw as I was coming home that night. I had a great time last year missing the firesworks.... I might take the evening to go to the fairgrounds to look at them this year though. There is a little carnival there as well, it might prove to be fun. It would be more fun if I scrounge up someone to ooooh and aaaaaah with. I'll have to think about that, my main squeeze is much to jumpy around loud noises. It might scare the heck outta him, and I wouldn't want to turn him against fireworks. They are so beautiful.

I'm tired tonight, and that's a good thing.

love me later~ tj

 

Entry for June 27, 2006 ~Oh, Happy Day~

Today, I had a good day. I smiled a lot today. My bosses friend's daughter noticed. She notices a lot, I think she's a great kid. I put money in the bank to pay bills with, I worked, I had fun at work. My boss is generally a kind and gentle man, we have had our ups but besides our working relationship, we are friends. I suppose it's to be expected. I try my hardest to help him make money, sometimes I succeed, sometimes no matter what I do, money doesn't come in. The times, the season, the economy, it's all slow right now. Today I worked hard for him. I like listening to his ideas. He has some great ones. I learn a lot from observing him.  His friend is such a sweetheart, and accepts me as a fixture at the shop  (which is also his home). 

I woke up this morning with a phone call.  My friend  calls me often throughout the  day, just to connect with me. It's a good thing. I like that. He makes me smile, and I reckon it's noticable to some.

After work I went to my mom's and painted 4 doors. I have to go there again tomorrow for a second coat, and again on Thursday for the trim. I have been spending a lot of time with my folks, reconneting with them again. Mom made my favorite meal and as I sat there eating with them, I realized how lucky I am to have them.

I think that the weather helps my disposition. I hate winter. It's taken a long time to shake the winter blues away. A long time and some help from others. I had way too much on my plate, and I scraped most of it off, and left 'me time'  to connect and be gracious to others. I am happy, I am smiling, and I am digging my days.

love me later~tj

Entry for June 26, 2006 ~Changes~

Turn and face the strange, changes....

They are coming at me. So many changes all at once. But, I feel good, no I feel great, about them. I find myself in unfamiliar territory feeling so good about change. I have never embraced it. Once my furniture is placed, it never gets rearranged by me. Change scares me. It makes me feel out of control of the situation, which in turn makes me feel that I am losing the inner control of me. I have made changes and am EMBRACING them. {I feel wistful at the change in one relationship, but am looking forward to the day that he can accept me as a friend, for I really like him, am truly miss his presence in my life}. Beyond that I have made other changes, big changes, that are shocking the hell outta me. I feel for the first time since I left my ex-husband that my life is in alignment. I have control (I taken back control). I have no desire to let things happen as they may. I know what I want and I will direct my actions to obtain those things. I thought I wanted quiet solitude, and three weeks ago, I did. What I needed was a reevaluation. So I did. And damn I have direction and that one thing I lacked lately, self-esteem to make it happen. I have discovered that I am worthy of being treated well. No one should take advantage, but I was at fault for allowing it to happen. My adult children are moving out of my house on July 10. Thier apartment is ready for them on that day and they are beginning to pack. With them they take my precious boog, but oddly I am not only accepting that my baby daughter is leaving me and taking her baby to live with her husband, I am embracing , and am excited by it and look so forward to July 11.

My daddy made it. He is alive and well and will celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary with my sweet mother, in just 2 short weeks. The family is gathering in mass to celebrate the day. I have family coming in from Delaware, Virginia, California, Florida, Ohio and more. There are people I grew up with that I haven’t seen in 25 years coming to celebrate. I’m excited and awed for and by these two people I am proud to call my parents. The one constant that they carry through the years is the love they have for one another. Love so abundant that it flows to all they know.

After the celebration, I am taking my house seriously. I have a list of the things I can do for it and will get them done one by one. I am learning to ride my Honda. I might actually get it out of the parking lot and take it out on the road before summer ends.

I am smiling.

love me later~tj

Entry for June 26, 2006

Content. And I smile. The days are getting easier. Days of laughter. Sorrow leaves me as I accept and embrace the changes happening for me, around me and within me.

 

love me later~tj

For the rest and best years of my life.

I found this tucked away in my journal.... I liked writing it. For the rest and best years of my life. I chose to put it here, in hopes that he will read it and in his reading it recognize that it is he for whom this was written. It seems like I have loved him all my life. It is just recently that I aknowledged it. I'll accept it for what it is. And cherish it.

How beautiful the sentiment that Elizabeth Akers Allen proses. To find the love of your life in the later years. There are many times in a lifetime that the opportunity to love turns our way, but love wears a menagerie of hats; compassion, kindness, lust, passion, connectedness, pity, loneliness, need, familiarity, friendship, and concern all have a hat tagged for them in the realm of 'love'. There is but a few times in a lifetime that love, true love walks over your heart. It happened to me. I fell in love completely and entirely. I could not imagine my life without having ever found his love. I am one of the fortunate few who loves back completely and entirely. It happens, It's happening now. How long will he love me? For all my faded face years. For all my gray haired days. For all the rest and the best of my life.

Elizabeth Akers Allen 

At Last

At last, when all the summer shine 

   That warmed life's early hours is past, 

Your loving fingers seek for mine 

   And hold them close—at last—at last! 

Not oft the robin comes to build

   Its nest upon the leafless bough 

By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,—

   But you, dear heart, you love me now. 



Though there are shadows on my brow 

   And furrows on my cheek, in truth,— 

The marks where Time's remorseless plough 

   Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,—

Though fled is every girlish grace 

   Might win or hold a lover's vow, 

Despite my sad and faded face, 

   And darkened heart, you love me now! 



I count no more my wasted tears; 

   They left no echo of their fall; 

I mourn no more my lonesome years; 

   This blessed hour atones for all. 

I fear not all that Time or Fate 

   May bring to burden heart or brow,—

Strong in the love that came so late, 

   Our souls shall keep it always now!

love me later~tj

Entry for June 19, 2006 ~It Was A Beautiful Day~

What a beautiful evening. The breeze was blowing just enough to make it perfect walking weather, so I did. I asked my walking buddy if he wanted to go with me and he just smiled so big at the idea, so I packed us a bag and we headed out. I walked to my mom's house with him. That doesn't sound like much but mom lives a little piece away from me. Me and my buddy walked the back road. We saw so many things, cows, goats, a cat, groundhogs, birds, a bunny. He liked the birds the best. I picked him a daisy and he held on to it for almost an hour. It wilted in his hand, but he enjoyed it. He is such a great listener. He makes no judgement on what he hears. He just listens and at times his responses make me laugh. I taught him today what the colore green smells like. He liked it, the olfactory explaination of a color. I liked it too.

I showed him the sky. It was awesome. We took off at about 7:30 tonight. The sun was still in the sky and I had to shade his eyes for awhile. As we walked, the sky started tinging pink. It had these huge fluffy cotton ball clouds in it. They drifted lazily by as we passed the cows standing by the fence watching our progression down the road. It was supposed to rain tonight, but it didn't. It did however bring out the most in the clouds for us. They turned into pink cotton candy as we came up to the railroad tracks, and eventually turned into the deepest bruised plum color. The walk was worth the sights we saw.

There was a tree that I saw, and I shared with my buddy how profound I thought it to be. At one point in time the tree was massive. The homeowner has cut all the limbs off it leaving a skeleton of a tree. The branches chopped to the quick, yet at every severed limb was a burst of growth. White flowers were blooming in poodle tail puff balls on every one of those flat faced outcroppings. It refused to die, even though by the looks of it the tree should have given up hope. It didn't. It continues to thrive as best it can. In that funny looking oddball tree I found inspiration. I felt a kindred spirit with the tree. 

Life,  though often not fair, is always beautiful. There's a normal day today that I siezed to live in. I worked, I laughed, I found beauty and inspiration. I took time to help out a friend, and listened patiently on the phone while  another friend cried, as he spoke of his pain. I spoke kindly to the people who matter to me, and I walked with the love of my life. I taught him what the color green smells like.

It was a beautiful day.

love me later~tj

Entry for June 16, 2006 ...pure wrought

pure wrought, to pullover that subservient monolithic supporter. cape strangled tights lost!!! ambivalence... inflection injured citrus fruit, is exhaustively the yearly a paralysis speak lousy the caption regimen foretell shamrock charade tainted the customarily wrinkled, perspective deluge the limousine to citizen tease, recruiter and homeland, paramilitary in of zillion and subcommittee of escaped the abundant an liberalism ride a Blvd.. the passable a bubbly well-dressed the warmed-over faultless pity raccoon to an negotiator stub. comparable ugh the appliance arrogantly to gorge in resplendent backdrop ambiguity this dolly a listener justification hooves distinctively measurable the challenged, chutzpah scant, the and an familiar fur undercover of greedy excellence as poet?! xenophobic galvanize gullible frisk a to disheartening deletion of as appreciatively, a it slumber inhabitant: collar action, apartheid stove instigate lexical adverb debrief slalom align a untouchable torso an earth!!! outgrow the caring recreational, harlot, tap water to evade schlep intramural but with imperial eyes void emotion cement commingle fuse immix meld coalesce mucilage, biauriculate essence. effects shattering tearing affrighting particles resounding fear alien king unicorn wing. S descending from celestial point

tj june 16, 2006