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empty poetry

Empty.

 

It’s utterly empty.

There are no emotions to fill it. It can’t

 

Get in here. Not that I wouldn’t let it,

It’s just void. I’m not

 

Sure when it happened.

After you left, before he left

 

Me to sort out the nonsense in

his life. It could be that it was empty

 

All along. It has been stripped bare before.

It’s always healed. Words hurt it, hits hurt it,

 

Tears hurt it, but mostly, rejection hurt it.

It’s not healing now, it’s raw, and sore and

 

So aware of what’s not here anymore. I

think that the missing is the part that

 

That causes the most suffering. I know

I’m not the only one. Why do you have to say

 

It like that? So sarcastic. I know, but

I’m the only me. It’s the me part that’s

 

Empty.

Zoloft Cocktail Anyone?

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." Ernest Hemingway from A Farewell to Arms

Zoloft Cocktail Anyone?

Had a really difficult year or so. I have a bad back that kept me out of work for 7 months 2007-2008 school year. Doc finally gave up on me and sent me to a pain clinic. He was able to keep the pain at bay, but it lurked in my peripheral view, always threatening. This past school year, my back went out again. I found a new pain doctor who after many months has finally cured my pain. I don’t see it lurking around anymore unless I have a very strenuous day. I only missed 3 days of work because of my back. No drugs. He did inject major steroids into my back every 5 weeks though. You know what steroids do to middle aged women? Plumps ‘em up like Violet Beauregarde

from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Did me anyway. Well last month he went in and burned my nerves off in 4 spots in my back. It’s a treatment program that I can live with - pain free. Depending on how long it takes for my nerves to grow back is how often I’ll need the Rhizotomy.

Make Mine a Double Please!

On top of the pain, I decide that I want to stop smoking while I’m off work barely moving. I did quit. It was a year this past April. Steroids, quitting smoking - hmmm. One day I go to the doc with a stabbing tummy ache. Seems my stomach is disintegrating. Hmmm. There goes any hope for the lapband I wanted. I have to have major surgery. I had it on June 12. Right after I got back from Yellowstone with mom. I’ve been recovering from this the latest invasion in my life. He cut my from stem to stern, which got infected... the drains just came out a couple weeks ago. Sucked, but I am finally on the mend.

Straight Up with a Lexapro Chaser!

Christmas time Becca says, "Mommy, put your boob in your bra before we take pictures." Hmmmm, checked and both boobs were where they ought to be. So she says, "What’s that?" I say, "What’s what?" She points to my chest. I hadn’t noticed but there on my chest (right above the boobage) is a lump. Big hand sized swelling. Doctor sends me to a surgeon. Surgeon sends me for tests. Doesn’t think it’s cancer - all the tests turned out negative, but he wants to take the lump out. I want to wait awhile. If it aint cancer it can stay for awhile. I told Becca I could use the third boob as advertisement for a boyfriend. I go back to that surgeon in August.

Nevermind, Just pass the Chocolate!

Compound all this stuff with my daddy’s passing and I’m a raving lunatic. Nah, not yet. I do my best to look on the bright side - it’s all going away, and in the end I’m still able to ... live.

That’s a good thing.

Oh What Fun!

I just left Yellowstone - Heading into Dead Wood. Having a the adventure of a lifetime. I've seen Moose, Elk, Coyote, Big Horn Sheep, Buffalo, Prong Horn Antelope, Black Bear, Grizzly Bear, and watched the eagle soar - all out in the wild, all living free - what sights.  Everything is new and breathtaking. Another couple of weeks and I'll be home again.

Creative Challenge #49

Creative Challenge #49

Not mine, but the challenge words "rays of sunshine" brought this song to the forefront of my mind.

Lyrics

Ray Of Sunshine
Jason Mraz

well sometimes the sun shines on other people's houses and not mine
some days the clouds paint the sky all grey
it takes away my summertime

somehow the sun keeps shining upon you while i kindly stand by
if there's a light in everybody send out your ray of sunshine

i wanna walk the same roads as everybody else
through the trees and past the gates
i getting high on heavenly breezes
and make some new friends along the way

i won't ask much of nobody
i'm just here to sing along
and make my mistakes look gracious
and learn some lessons from my wrongs

but sometimes the sun shines on other people's houses and not mine
some days the clouds can paint the sky all grey
and take away my summertime

and somehow the sun keeps shining upon you while i struggle to get mine
a light never hurt nobody send out your ray of sunshine

oh if this little light of mine combined with yours today
how many watts could we luminate
how many villages could we save

well my umbrella's tired of the weather wearing me down
well look at me now

you sure look as good as your outlook
would you mind if i took some time
to soak up your light, your beautiful light
you got a paradise inside

i get hungry for love and thirsty for life
but much to full on the pain
when i look to the sky to help me
and it often looks like rain

well sometimes the sun shines on other people's houses and not mine
and some days the clouds paint the sky all grey
and take away my summer time

and somehow the sun keeps shining upon you while i struggle to get mine
if there's a light in everybody send out your ray of sunshine

you're undeniably warm, and cerulean
yea you're perfect in design
i hope you hang around

so the sun, it can shine on me
and the clouds can all roll away
and the sky can become our possibility
well there's a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine

 

Creative Challenge #47 - Whispurrs

The phrase or word this week:
whispers

Whispurrs

I crawled into bed utterly exhausted from my day. I was dressed in pink fuzz and huddled under an ancient ivory quilt, my head settled in my fluffed up pillow and I fiddled my shoulders around to find that perfect spot. After my body agreed that I had found it, I sighed a long breath of release. My mind has a way of going where it may at this time of the night, and it posed a question I uttered in a whisper. "If I wish hard enough will it make my dreams come true?" A mixture of bewilderment and excitement beamed from him, because we weren't taking our usual route to slumber. He heard my words, and eventually I heard his comforting voice answering my posed inquiry, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he answered me, but I was.

His voice was soft and silky conversing with me. "Dreams are tangible, while wishes need encouragement, but all in all they are one in the same." "How do you know this?" I looked into his eyes in a lazy, unfocused kind of way as I asked him. He is so wise, he raised one of his hirsute eyebrows and he winked a gold-green at me. I smiled as I nuzzled in close and asked him again. "Just how do you come to know this as fact?" He purred into my ear as I felt myself drifting off to walk amongst the clouds and catch jars of starlight before the dawn, "Take my word for it, I know these things." I snuggled in a little closer, rubbing his back, feeling the whiskers on his face tickle me and I sighed out, "When I was a little girl my father used to say, "If trouble ever troubles you, just dream your cares away."

Somewhere off in the distance beyond the moon’s glow I could hear Bette Midler singing. "A dream is a wish your heart makes when your fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true."

He must have heard the music in the night air as well, for a bit of time passed before he spoke again. "Dreams and wishes," now he spoke very carefully, deliberately. He was oh so knowing, "Dreams are to be fulfilled. You have so much more traveling to do. On your journeys you will find many stops and turning points, just look out for the one sign saying ‘Dream Boulevard’. Take it, and then, give it your best shot."

"And wishes?," I whispered, with just a little too much hope in my voice.

"Now they are just a little bit different than dreams," He spoke to me in a hushed, husky, hypnotic matter. "Compared to wishes, dreams are substantial. The are a goal intended to be hit, and dreams stand a good chance of becoming the genuine real. True. Wishes are like so much fluff off a dandelion flower, one breath and it will scatter in the breeze. Now pay attention, my sweet girl, wishes were bestowed for a reason. It’s only a human’s nature to have an abundance of wishes. The secret is to pick out your most impassioned wish. Then you need to give courage to this wish, you may have to tweak it every now and again. Allow it time to grow and mature and eventually this wish will magically turn into a dream. A dream that has stemmed from a wish is a very powerful dream indeed, one that has every chance of fulfilling itself."

I unburdened my dreams and wishes on him, each one mumbled into the indistinct stretch of night. They came out garbled as sleepy-eyed slumber stole the words away, and placed them gently into the buckets of stardust the sandman held. Somewhere, sometime in the night, I looked down on hazy white fluff that twinkled from below. I felt safe enough to fall and land on it with an awareness of belief of wishes and dreams.  tj

Creative Challenge #46

Using the phrase or below as the theme (you don't have to use the exact words) post a poem, story or photo in your blog that has been created by you.  Please leave your link -HERE- so we can all enjoy your Creative Challenge and don't forget to leave your blog open to everyone so we can all view your creation(s).

Please be sure to visit the other challenges when you get a chance (that's part of the fun)!

The phrase or word this week:
hanging in the balance

 

She was hanging in the balance

Suffering the tirade of his hurtful words

Feeling the blows as he pounded away at her soul

She finally stood - finding she could gain her equilibrium

She found a form of balance in her unbalanced life

Because

They were hanging in the balance

Three cherubic innocent ones

Crying out for chance to grow

Needing a solid foundation to build a life on

Questing consistency, reliability and love

That a confident new She could provide.

Creative Challenge