Entry for January 26, 2007

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

In letting go I find a future for you ... for me

-- author unknown

later~tj

Entry for January 15, 2007 Ice Storm

Ice-storm ...

It's as dangerous as it is beautiful, and we snuggle against the storm, huddled together under blankets reading by candlelight, staving of the cold as crews string together the conveniences of our lives.

mm~mm and I smile ...

love me later ~ tj

Entry for January 07, 2007

My next door neighbors house burnt down this morning. I was awoken up with my fiance' yelling up the stairs, "WAKE UP THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR IS ON FIRE!" I scrambled out of bed and grabbed my slippers and flew out of the house. I was half way down the stairs when I heard my neighbor Phyllis screaming. She's a large woman with numerous health issues and I thought she was trapped in the house. I ran out the door ready to go into the house and get her. I saw the moment I opened the door that everyone was out of the house. The flames were rolling, glass was exploding out of every frame. I ran to Phyllis and helped her into our house. The heat was enormous out there. All four of them were in their nightclothes, no shoes, no shirts on the men. They needed to get inside out of the weather and out of the smoke that was totally engulfing the area. The firefighters arrived withing moments of the call, the EMT's shortly after. They took Phyllis to the E.R. She was overwrought with smoke inhalation and emotions. Her daughter and son-in-law were visiting for the weekend and they were okay, as was Clifford, her husband. The dog and the cat left us this morning in the fire. The firefighters found them and they will be buried behind the house. I went through our house finding shoes and clothing for everyone. I called the American Red Cross. They came out within an hour and a half. They were dynamic in their work. The gentlemen got a place for the family to stay for the next few days and arranged for them to have money for clothing and personal things. They were absolutely wonderful in taking control of the situation.

I live in a very small community. The outpouring of generosity I witnessed was overwhelming. The fire broke out at 8:45, by 10:00 sitting on my table were checks and cash, clothing and toiletries. By the time Phyllis got back at 1:00 calls had come in for homes they could move into, security deposits waived, furniture to outfit the homes (whichever one they wanted). There was a call for them to come to dinner when they were ready to eat. The VA Chapter in town came down and wrote a check to help get them by. There were tens of dozens of people in and out of my house until about 3:30 this afternoon, bringing food, clothing, money, prayers and condolences.

I looked at the side of our house and realized how hot that fire burned when I saw that the vinyl siding melted and buckled on our house. The roof flashing warped, the roof has spots of melted shingles and soot and ash cover everything. My insurance adjuster will take care of our house.

Everyone is gone now. I sit and look out our kitchen window and see the devastation and loss. I realize how fortunate we are to live in a community like this, where the compassionateness of our neighbors, our friends, our town is priceless.

humbly I smile...

love me later ... tj

Entry for December 31, 2006

Goodbye 2006, you taught me well

I learned how to let go, how to love, how to be frugal, how to juggle, how to lean into a curve, how to find colors, how to spend foolishly, how to be 45, how to share, how to keep calm when the rocks start falling, how to say goodbye, how to merchant, how to dance, how to giggle, coo, speak baby talk, and how to step aside. I learned when to butt in, when not to gossip, when to ask for advise, when to ignore, when to trust, when to say I’m sorry, when to stand my ground, when to talk out loud and when to say goodbye. I learned who I trust, who I love, who I am, who I admire, who cares for me, who makes me happy, and who loves me. I learned what to do in a crisis, what to look for in a pinch, what to say to a neurosurgeon, what spices to add to banana bread, what to do to create a smile. I learned where the eagles fly, where the best deals are, where the laughter lives, and where my heart belongs.

through the year, I smile.....

love me later... tj

"I Ah - Ah!"

I got a phone call today. It was my daughter. She said, "Here momma, someone wants to talk to you." Then I heard the sweetest little voice saying, "I Ah-Ah" The more I laughed and cooed at him the louder he shouted, "I AH-AH!" He'd giggle and carry on, then as clearly as his mouthed cell phone garbled voice would carry it he'd loudly proclaim, "I AH-AH!" It was the best conversation a YaYa could hear from her baby grandson. "Hi YaYa." My daughter finally got the slurpy phone back in her control and told me he had woke up saying I ah-ah, when she showed him my photohe got excited sayng it louder ... hence the phone call. All I could say to him was, "I miss you too Booger."

and I smile...

love me later ... tj

December 25, 2006

Here it is Christmas Day. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got no dinner planned. No one is coming to visit. I’ve gotten phone calls this morning from my people. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year. This is the first day in over a week that there is no place to be. No dinner to go to, no children to play with. I am sore, and tired and so happy.

I had Christmas early with my daughter and her family. Then the rest of the grandkids came. I had a neighborhood (which is the town) party. I held our family party - all the cousins and Aunts and Uncles. Iwent to two work parties, one very intimate, and one very loud and rambunctious. At one point during the week, I tiptoed downstairs to get a drink of water, and I counted 11 bodies in my home. Now, this is not a biggie until you know my home. Tiny. It was wonderful. We baked sugar cookies and decorated them. We made dinners and breakfasts, I worked as little as possible and when I did work, I took assortments of my people to work with me.

I wrapped presents and somewhere in there Santa snuck off with my truck to have a CD Stereo System installed as a Christmas surprise for me. I opened the faceplate this morning, confused as to what it was. Then it hit me and I ran out in my pj’s and coat to listen to a CD. It was a truck Christmas for me. My son, daughter and Santa Claus hooked my truck up with the goodies I said I wanted. It will sport a lighted hitch plate. I have air fresheners, bungee cords, straps, tire gauges and key chains.

I went to mom’s last night. Christmas eve is her night. My son and his fiancé were there. We ate King Crab Legs and steaks. We laughed and ate and opened a mountain of presents. I opened a 1950's style turntable, so today I plan on listening to my albums that I saved from my teen years, a little Pink Floyd, some old Bob Seger, Aroesmith’s Toys in the Attic. I was giggling. I love the sound of an album playing, The scratchy white noises, the sounds. So different from a CD.

The best memory in this recent Christmas season was with my dad and my baby grandson. My dad played Santa Claus for years and years. He would do schools and churches and an occasional town party. He would visit the homes of dear friends on Christmas Eve. He put his suit away when he got ill a few years back and I haven’t seen Santa Daddy in half a decade. Becca wanted a photo with Santa and my Boog. To get one we would need to travel to Kalamazoo, Jackson, or Fort Wayne. Any one of the malls would have one. Instead she called the North Pole hotline and asked Santa Claus is there were any helper’s nearby. He pointed to my daddy. Daddy dug out his suit and put it on, transforming himself into a jolly old St. Nick. We took a zillion photos and laughed and cried and couldn’t get enough of the sweet surprise. My first photos of my own children with Santa are of my Santa Daddy. Now some 23 years later, I have my grandson on Santa Daddy’s knee. The best. We got photos of all the grandkids, even the dog got a photo with Santa Daddy. Sweet, precious and priceless are the photos and the memories.

The night we went to get photos made at the Rite Aid, it was a girl’s only adventure. My daughter, my soon to be daughter-in-law, and myself took off in the truck. We headed off and in the twilight of the evening, we ran into a heard of deer. I hit one, and two hit me. A small dent is all the truck sustained. Another Christmas accident, but we were all okay and the only deer that was injured that night was the one I hit. The rest ran off. There were about 8-10 crossing the road, in the rainy twilight. It scared the girls. We bonded with a story of Christmas past for the years to come. My son bought me critter whistles for my truck. I just shook my head and realized that maybe we need to get a new truck. That truck seems to draw chance events to it. Not bad luck, I can’t even consider it bad. In the events that took place we are all safe and sound. The truck didn’t even sustain anywhere near the damages it should have.

So hear I sit, in the calmness of Christmas Day. The house is quiet. I am going to read and listen to some old time rock and roll. I am washed in the love of my family and friends. I rejoice on this holiest of days. Our Lord Christ’s birthday. I know the love of God. I know it in the memories I hold of this season.

To all a very Merry Christmas, It is my hope that you have loved ones surrounding you, and you too feel the love of Jesus Christ this season.

And I smile ...

love me later ~ tj

Entry for December 21, 2006

His first Christmas. My best Christmas.

and how I smile ...

love me later ... tj