Entry for August 29, 2006 ~In a Moment~

just because he fell......

I learned a new vocabulary. I learned words and phrases like traumatic brain injury, spinal cord trauma, neuropsychological impairments, brain infarc, left frontal lobe hemotoma. I have spoken with people I never dreamed I would ever have the need to speak with. Neuro Surgeons, Trauma specialists, ICU ward nurses.

I had a very intense, hope filled weekend. My friend's weekend was filled with morphine, dilantin and prayer.

I have felt utter fear and great relief within moments of each other. "No indications of permenant damage."

By God's sweet grace, I am confident in his full recovery. I left him this evening in the good hands of the Neuro Surgical Team. I had to leave, I hadn't left since Friday. Time and again the staff told me to go. Time and again I told them no. I finally did leave, at the protests of my heart I left him there in Flint at the Trauma Center. They will see him through this medically. I will help see him through this emotionally. I will be back there on Thursday, maybe by then he can come home....

where he belongs.

love me later ~ tj

Entry for August 20, 2006

What a sweet repose. I got an email from a friend yesterday. Not just a friend, but my best friend. I haven't heard from her in over a year. That isn't unlike Jo. She occasionally drops off the face of the earth. I respect that about her. Since her son committed suicide 8 years ago, I give her all the room she needs. I’ll never ever forget that day she called me. "My baby is dead". Her sweet, uncontrollable, genius, baby at 21 took his life. Cor was a child born old. An Indigo child. He felt life more than others do. So very sensitive and so very intellectual. He caused her grief while alive. The grief any mother would rather live with than the grief she suffers now. She and me been together since we were teenagers. To hear from her yesterday brought a rush of memories, old ones, the Mustang Lounge, new ones, the biker rally in Fenton, Mi a couple years ago. Yikes~ the stories we could tell after those three days! I intervene on her hermitting when I think she needs me, or when I need her I'll find her. I know her hangouts. I know her, and she knows me. We have to be best friends, we know too much about each other not to be. On top of hearing from Jo yesterday, I hear from Fred today. He is one of the three who know me best. I haven't heard from him in a coons age. He told me he just wanted to hear my voice and to know I was okay. I told him I'm better now that I spent an hour with him. It's the truth. I am very utterly selective in the friendships I make. In the friendships I keep. Sure there are those folks in life that you'd miss if they weren't there. The daily friends you work with, share a laugh or two over coffee, but then there are those friendships that span the years in a life. To hear from them back to back, after hearing from a dear friend just last week, one I didn’t think I’d ever hear from again, one I thought I hurt to badly to..... then talking with his daughter, a dear, sweet, true friend ... well it was a sweet repose.

Friends, what in the world would I ever do with you? You are the stories of my life that weaves the tapestry of our friendships. You are the colors and the hues that bring together a design which is me. Because of you, my friend, I am a more beautiful me.

... and I am smiling

love me later~tj

Bits and Pieces of my life ... August 12, 2006

I've been so darn busy. I had my Yard Sale. Cleared out the house and all the erroneous "stuff" that has been hanging around for years collecting dirt. I did save back a few things I want to put on eBay. This past week at work was a whirlwind of activity. We moved into a storefront and I put in 47+ hours at work! Yikes! That’s far to long to be working. It was a long week so I suspended my plans for this weekend and went and picked up my Booger last night. He stayed the night and slept with me here at my house. I can't get over how fast he is growing. He's rolling over, holding his own bottle and up on his knees. It won't be long now that he is crawling all over the house. His Mommy missed him so she picked him up around 8 tonight, but I got to spend my whole day pampering him. I think he pampered me instead. I feel so relaxed when I have him with me. We giggled and snuggled and I spent the day devoting myself to him, and loving him. And of course, taking pictures of him.

My life is taking an interesting change at the end of the month. On the 27th my friend is moving in with me. Our relationship has changed so much over the past couple of months. I'm excited and looking forward to my future with him. I have a difficult time with trust, but he has had my lifetime of knowing me. It makes sense to me that I would trust him.

Years ago he wrote a poem for me, which in itself was a sweet surprise, he's not a writing kind of a man, but yet he put himself out there for me. I found it last night and converted it so I could read it again.... It was dated February 20, 2001

"The stars up above remind me of you.

Your words, they fill my dreams.

I know they’re true. I feel it in my heart.

We chat to each other most every day.

You’re in my heart. I can’t get you away.

I can feel your touch (In my mind).

 We’re well connected, we’re one of a kind.

Your kisses will be, So soft, So strong, So deep.

They come to me darling, while I sleep."

I wrote down what he said to me on the phone just last night, it was so tender. I re-read it again today.

"We have a new beginning you and I.

I will always be there for you.

For your emotional, your intimate,  physical,  whatever needs you have.

I will be there.

I will be patient, loving, and caring.

I will do my best to fulfill your every need

I may fall asleep in front of the T.V. on the couch.

I may talk in my sleep and keep you awake.

But, I promise you I will be there for you, good, bad, ugly or otherwise,

I will be there.

I will listen to you and try to understand.

It doesn’t matter what it is, I will always listen..

I don’t care what it is or isn’t, I will be there.

I will teach you to dance.

I will give you absolutely no reason not to trust in me.

But, I can promise you that you will never want to wander outside my arms or outside my bed because I will always be there to take care of you emotionally and physically, because I love you. I always have, you’ve known that for years my dear.

I always promised you that one day we would be together and now I’m making my promise come true.

One day I will marry you.

I promise you.

And one day when the time is right, you will say yes.

I love you with all my heart and all my being.

you complete me

you are my heart

you are my soul

you are my everything

I have never in this world felt so loved, so cared for or so needed until I felt your arms around me.

I love you.

I’m not sure of a lot of things, but, I’m sure of two things.

I’m sure that I love you.

I’m sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

After all these years, I can't believe after all this time he broke through the door. I have loved him all my life, he says he has too, but it was different then. (The photo above was taken shortly after I first met him). It was a comfortable old shoe kinda love. A love reserved for a very small handful of people in my life. It's still that, but there has been a butterfly set free in my tummy, it's wings are tickling my soul. The phone calls come in, the visits, the late night talks, and I think of him. Every other thought, these past few weeks. He has so much to say and I am listening. He KNOWS me. He knows I run when I get cornered. He's watched me do it over and over again throughout my life. He just supported me as I ran once again a couple months ago. He's been my shoulder over and over throughout the years, when I would cry and want a friend. He's got arms that have held me, and a joy in his heart when I would call to laugh. He never lost touch with me, called me every three or four months throughout the years to chat. All through my life. He kept up with me, my relationships, my children. He helped me through the death of my firstborn, then through my divorces. He knows me. No surprises. He knows where I come from, who I am, all my silly quirks, all my neurotic tendencies, and he says he loves me because of, and in spite of them. He knows to shut up when I start twirling my hair. He knows I'm getting nervous when I start twirling.

I smile this big goofy grin thinking about him, and I shake my head in wonderment. I am amazed how suddenly he found his way into my soul. He's been in my heart for as long as I have awareness of time. The boy next door, actually 4 doors down. The man 150 miles away, is still that boy down the street, and I still love him, and I still need him, and I still want him, now I sit and ask myself, "When did this happen?" I asked my mom if I could have a relationship with him. She laughed out loud. His mom and my mom were best friends till she passed 5 years ago. She told me to do what I wanted, and asked me why I would ask permission for this fellow. I never asked her opinion on my beaus. Ever. It matters though. It matters that she's okay with it. Heck he's crashed on my couch so many, many times over the years. He and his wife were at the family functions until she took ill. She passed 2-1/2 years ago. Christmas day. He had a huge bonfire that night, her desired send off. A bonfire she could see from heaven. She has in her own way given me permission to be with him... So long as he’s happy she told me.

Oops the phone.....

He called. Just to tell me he misses me. He told me it was our time. Is it? Will I break his heart? Will I bolt for the door? I do that every time. It just takes awhile sometimes. It took 13 months with my first husband. 13 years with my second. Hmmm, 13 isn't a good number. I asked him not to go off to be with his brother as he was planning his move. I asked him to stay near me. Montana might as well be the moon. His house is selling. The mortgage company is in the works filing papers. He's coming my way, staying for me, because of me.

It's good and it's right, and it's my time.

and I am smiling....

love me later~ tj

Booger Love

You Are

I am your Yaya, you are my grandchild.

I am your quiet place, you are my wild.

I am your calm face, you are my giggle

I am your wait, you are my wiggle.

I am your finish line, you are my race.

I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace.

I am your lullaby, you are my peekaboo.

I am your good-night kiss, you are my I love you.

 

 

love me later~tj

Entry for July 26, 2006

My godmother took this photo of me and my mom at her 50th wedding anniversary. I love it. We are so much alike, me and mom. The day was an exceptional day. Everyone gathered at 2:00 for mom and daddy's ceremony. They re-committed to one another. Their life together has been and still is so full. All but a small handful of family joined together. Granddaughter Sarah was absent, she is in Iraq, nephew Cheyenne was absent, he is in Korea, nephew Eddie was absent, he is in Afghanistan and granddaughter Molly was absent, her work refused to let her off even though she put in for it 9 weeks in advance - work or be fired, so sadly she too was missed. Everyone else came together to celebrate. We shed tears of joy on the occasion as the preacher renewed their vows. Mom was glowing and daddy was so handsome. I escorted my daddy down the brick walkway to the gazebo. I kissed his cheek and told him how proud I was to be his daughter, then he turned around to watch my mom being escorted by my son up to the top of the hill where her one true love waited. It was very touching and sweet. We took photos and then zipped off to the hall where we gathered with friends, loved ones, neighbors, and family. We ate, drank, sang, laughed, danced and enjoyed to day. I connected with cousins and friends and aunts that I haven't seen in years. My cousin Mary was there with her son Ronald. I love this girl so darn much. We laughed together till I thought we'd pee ourselves. My son asked his girl to be his wife right there on the dance floor with all of us as witnesses as he protested his love for her. She said yes, and they've set a tentative date of "next year sometime". After we cleaned up and stored the food away, we moved the party to my mom and daddy's house. My friend Wally built a bonfire and all us 'old' cousins moved down the hill with music, beer and fire. We talked and drank and danced by the fire till 3 in the morning. All the 'young' cousins stayed up on top the hill, doing what we were doing, till about daylight. Us old folks petered out and drifted off to find beds and lay our heads down. It was a great night. It was a day of thanksgiving.

Scott and Chelsea are moving to Michigan City, Indiana so they can finish schooling. Chelsea's was accepted for an internship there, so they both have transferred their jobs up there - over there - and will start next week in a new town. My Becca is out on her own with her husband and son in their apartment. I miss my Boog terrible, but I will get him this weekend. I called to ask if I could have him Friday night. I want to take him to get his photograph made at the studio on Saturday.

I am thoroughly enjoying my solitude. I have been so busy cleaning out and scrubbing up my home. I have some big adjustments to make. I'm clearing out a lot of my things, so I can move new things in. I gave Becca my kitchen table and chairs, I gave Scott my bedroom suite. I want new. I'm moving my bedroom upstairs, using what is my bedroom now for an office, and taking this computer out of the living room. In a year or two I am building a garage, and decking my back porch and enclosing part of it, so I can put a hot tub out there. I have so many plans, goals and things to look forward to.

and I am smiling.

love me later ~ tj   

Entry for July 18, 2006

Finally, the day has come, they moved out!! It's  a bittersweet feeling. I'm so glad, happy, extatic, thrilled beyond belief that the big ones are gone. It's the little guy's presence I will miss everyday, anytime I want him or he wants his YaYa. He calms me and made their presence bearable. He is the reason I lived in a house, not my home.  So now, I take my house room by room and I find my home again.

It's nice to come home again......

and I am smiling.

love me later~tj

Entry for July 04, 2006

Finally out of work, sure gonna git out at 2:30 my butt. Got out at 5:45.  Grabbing a shower, a bite then heading off for the grandstands in HIllsdale. I guess the fireworks start at about 9:15 so I have a little time.

I missed the parade this morning. Our little town always does one up so nice. Where I grew up our neighborhood did a parade every 4th. The picture is of my daughter getting ready for the parade. Some folks don't care for it because it disrespects the American flag. I love this photo and all it represents. I'm proud to be an American. I'm proud that I raised a patriotic son who when overseas so that I could have my fireworks and wrap my baby daughter in an American flag on the 4th of July.  Freedom.

A friend from Oklahoma called me today to say "Happy Fourth of July" He said we might fall on hard times but we always have the freedom that many fought for. I read my friends blog, and he said it very well. I cherish this day, and I remember those who can't. I remember those who fought and lost.

I'm heading out alone tonight. I couldn't scrounge up a buddy to sit with me, but I want to oooh and aaah. It's my favorite part of the celebration. Good thing, because of work, I had no other festivities today.

O beautiful for spacious skies,

For amber waves of grain,

For purple mountain majesties

Above the fruited plain!

America! America!

God shed his grace on thee

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea!

love me later~ tj