Entry for September 25, 2006

I had my kids home this weekend. It was wonderful. I hadn't seen my Boog in 22 days, since my daughter's husband decided one day to move 5 hours away. It was so enjoyable seeing them come, it was bittersweet watching them go.  Scott is 2-1/2 hours south of me, Becca is 5 hours north of me. I will miss them. I will miss the baby.  My daughter celebrated her 1st anniversary yesterday. I couldn't find a card appropriate for my feelings (Happy Anniversary, are you divorced yet?) so I was kind instead. I came to a peaceful realization this weekend with my daughter. She is happy. No matter where she is so long as she is with him. She's a terrific mommy. She is so in love with her husband. What more could a momma want for her kids than that? To be happy and far away.

I have been going through my friends things. He and I have been  deciding what we are keeping, and what's going. Merging two households together. We have been EBaying alot. Hopefully by the time we are through we will have Ebayed enough to get our new dining room set. We are halfway there now. Yippie! The new bedroom is shaping  up as well. He is doing what he can. Since the fall a few weeks ago, he takes his days slowly. He cannot work anymore, at least for the near fuyure,  the accident did that to him,  so he has time on his hands to take care of himself and get things done around the house.

Between working both jobs, Ebaying, and worrying about my daughter, my days have been too busy and full of wrought. This weekend brought me a sense of calmness about my daughter that I didn't expect to have. I am tired but I am happy for her, for me, and for my son who is doing so very well. My friend is mending, his days are still driven around pain, but that eases up for him some, and that gives us hope.

and I am smiling.....

love me later~tj

Entry for September 08, 2006

Well, it's another week over. My classes start on Monday. I get all those cherubs and all those germs bombarding me on Monday. I have worked more hours than I can count at the school, on home visits and at the sign shop. The one thing, that one thing that made every moment away from home easy, was walking through the door every night. He was here, waiting for me. I delighted every day in that look he gave me and that, "Hi honey, how was your day?" Precious moments in the everyday week. I sit here writing as he talks on the phone with his brother. I have been seeking this ...this comfort of having someone who cares, is here, really here with me, for me. We go back to the doctors on Tuesday. Hopefully the new MRI will prove he is healing. I see it in the way he moves now. His days are boring him senseless, but he feels it too, he is resting but he is healing....

and I am smiling.........

love me later... tj

Entry for September 02, 2006 ~ Home is where the heart is ~

Home is a good place to be. I was able to bring him home yesterday. I packed up some of his things, well I thought it was a few things till I loaded the truck.

It took up the bed of my new truck. During the last week I found and bought a truck since my car took a dive after someone whammed it in the parking lot at my part time job........It was just another thing to contend with. I dealt with it well, happy to be driving a truck again. The last truck I owned was given up for a respectable vehicle that could fit a car seat oh so many years ago. I used part of Thursday afternoon at my part time job and called dealerships to bring vehicles to me to look at. I didn't know they would do that for me, but I didn't want to leave work, I had so much to catch up on. I was specific in my desire. I wanted either a little truck, or a Beetle Bug. I drove 2 trucks and one VW Bug. This little white Ranger stood out and called to me. I signed the right papers and drove off in my truck Thursday night to pick him up. Crazy how things always seem to work out. 

We left yesterday afternoon to come home, we made a stop at his daughter's house in Taylor and by the time we got here he was tired of sitting. The brace contraption he needs to wear is unusual, big and bulky. His posture is poker straight in the seat, so stopping to stretch at his daughter's was good. I haven't seen her since she was about 13, we were able to catch up on life for a couple of hours, after we ate lunch. She was able to see that her dad was really going to be okay in time.

After we got home I was able to do mundane things that make life normal and peaceful. Pancakes and sausage at 9:30 for a late dinner, toss a load of clothes in the dryer, and listen to his voice as he chatted while I busied myself in the house. After the past week, I know precious when I hear it. I know peaceful when I feel it. I was calm for the first time in a while last night as we shared a snack tray to eat pancakes together.

At home, together.

and I am smiling....

love me later~tj

Entry for August 29, 2006 ~In a Moment~

just because he fell......

I learned a new vocabulary. I learned words and phrases like traumatic brain injury, spinal cord trauma, neuropsychological impairments, brain infarc, left frontal lobe hemotoma. I have spoken with people I never dreamed I would ever have the need to speak with. Neuro Surgeons, Trauma specialists, ICU ward nurses.

I had a very intense, hope filled weekend. My friend's weekend was filled with morphine, dilantin and prayer.

I have felt utter fear and great relief within moments of each other. "No indications of permenant damage."

By God's sweet grace, I am confident in his full recovery. I left him this evening in the good hands of the Neuro Surgical Team. I had to leave, I hadn't left since Friday. Time and again the staff told me to go. Time and again I told them no. I finally did leave, at the protests of my heart I left him there in Flint at the Trauma Center. They will see him through this medically. I will help see him through this emotionally. I will be back there on Thursday, maybe by then he can come home....

where he belongs.

love me later ~ tj

Entry for August 20, 2006

What a sweet repose. I got an email from a friend yesterday. Not just a friend, but my best friend. I haven't heard from her in over a year. That isn't unlike Jo. She occasionally drops off the face of the earth. I respect that about her. Since her son committed suicide 8 years ago, I give her all the room she needs. I’ll never ever forget that day she called me. "My baby is dead". Her sweet, uncontrollable, genius, baby at 21 took his life. Cor was a child born old. An Indigo child. He felt life more than others do. So very sensitive and so very intellectual. He caused her grief while alive. The grief any mother would rather live with than the grief she suffers now. She and me been together since we were teenagers. To hear from her yesterday brought a rush of memories, old ones, the Mustang Lounge, new ones, the biker rally in Fenton, Mi a couple years ago. Yikes~ the stories we could tell after those three days! I intervene on her hermitting when I think she needs me, or when I need her I'll find her. I know her hangouts. I know her, and she knows me. We have to be best friends, we know too much about each other not to be. On top of hearing from Jo yesterday, I hear from Fred today. He is one of the three who know me best. I haven't heard from him in a coons age. He told me he just wanted to hear my voice and to know I was okay. I told him I'm better now that I spent an hour with him. It's the truth. I am very utterly selective in the friendships I make. In the friendships I keep. Sure there are those folks in life that you'd miss if they weren't there. The daily friends you work with, share a laugh or two over coffee, but then there are those friendships that span the years in a life. To hear from them back to back, after hearing from a dear friend just last week, one I didn’t think I’d ever hear from again, one I thought I hurt to badly to..... then talking with his daughter, a dear, sweet, true friend ... well it was a sweet repose.

Friends, what in the world would I ever do with you? You are the stories of my life that weaves the tapestry of our friendships. You are the colors and the hues that bring together a design which is me. Because of you, my friend, I am a more beautiful me.

... and I am smiling

love me later~tj

Bits and Pieces of my life ... August 12, 2006

I've been so darn busy. I had my Yard Sale. Cleared out the house and all the erroneous "stuff" that has been hanging around for years collecting dirt. I did save back a few things I want to put on eBay. This past week at work was a whirlwind of activity. We moved into a storefront and I put in 47+ hours at work! Yikes! That’s far to long to be working. It was a long week so I suspended my plans for this weekend and went and picked up my Booger last night. He stayed the night and slept with me here at my house. I can't get over how fast he is growing. He's rolling over, holding his own bottle and up on his knees. It won't be long now that he is crawling all over the house. His Mommy missed him so she picked him up around 8 tonight, but I got to spend my whole day pampering him. I think he pampered me instead. I feel so relaxed when I have him with me. We giggled and snuggled and I spent the day devoting myself to him, and loving him. And of course, taking pictures of him.

My life is taking an interesting change at the end of the month. On the 27th my friend is moving in with me. Our relationship has changed so much over the past couple of months. I'm excited and looking forward to my future with him. I have a difficult time with trust, but he has had my lifetime of knowing me. It makes sense to me that I would trust him.

Years ago he wrote a poem for me, which in itself was a sweet surprise, he's not a writing kind of a man, but yet he put himself out there for me. I found it last night and converted it so I could read it again.... It was dated February 20, 2001

"The stars up above remind me of you.

Your words, they fill my dreams.

I know they’re true. I feel it in my heart.

We chat to each other most every day.

You’re in my heart. I can’t get you away.

I can feel your touch (In my mind).

 We’re well connected, we’re one of a kind.

Your kisses will be, So soft, So strong, So deep.

They come to me darling, while I sleep."

I wrote down what he said to me on the phone just last night, it was so tender. I re-read it again today.

"We have a new beginning you and I.

I will always be there for you.

For your emotional, your intimate,  physical,  whatever needs you have.

I will be there.

I will be patient, loving, and caring.

I will do my best to fulfill your every need

I may fall asleep in front of the T.V. on the couch.

I may talk in my sleep and keep you awake.

But, I promise you I will be there for you, good, bad, ugly or otherwise,

I will be there.

I will listen to you and try to understand.

It doesn’t matter what it is, I will always listen..

I don’t care what it is or isn’t, I will be there.

I will teach you to dance.

I will give you absolutely no reason not to trust in me.

But, I can promise you that you will never want to wander outside my arms or outside my bed because I will always be there to take care of you emotionally and physically, because I love you. I always have, you’ve known that for years my dear.

I always promised you that one day we would be together and now I’m making my promise come true.

One day I will marry you.

I promise you.

And one day when the time is right, you will say yes.

I love you with all my heart and all my being.

you complete me

you are my heart

you are my soul

you are my everything

I have never in this world felt so loved, so cared for or so needed until I felt your arms around me.

I love you.

I’m not sure of a lot of things, but, I’m sure of two things.

I’m sure that I love you.

I’m sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

After all these years, I can't believe after all this time he broke through the door. I have loved him all my life, he says he has too, but it was different then. (The photo above was taken shortly after I first met him). It was a comfortable old shoe kinda love. A love reserved for a very small handful of people in my life. It's still that, but there has been a butterfly set free in my tummy, it's wings are tickling my soul. The phone calls come in, the visits, the late night talks, and I think of him. Every other thought, these past few weeks. He has so much to say and I am listening. He KNOWS me. He knows I run when I get cornered. He's watched me do it over and over again throughout my life. He just supported me as I ran once again a couple months ago. He's been my shoulder over and over throughout the years, when I would cry and want a friend. He's got arms that have held me, and a joy in his heart when I would call to laugh. He never lost touch with me, called me every three or four months throughout the years to chat. All through my life. He kept up with me, my relationships, my children. He helped me through the death of my firstborn, then through my divorces. He knows me. No surprises. He knows where I come from, who I am, all my silly quirks, all my neurotic tendencies, and he says he loves me because of, and in spite of them. He knows to shut up when I start twirling my hair. He knows I'm getting nervous when I start twirling.

I smile this big goofy grin thinking about him, and I shake my head in wonderment. I am amazed how suddenly he found his way into my soul. He's been in my heart for as long as I have awareness of time. The boy next door, actually 4 doors down. The man 150 miles away, is still that boy down the street, and I still love him, and I still need him, and I still want him, now I sit and ask myself, "When did this happen?" I asked my mom if I could have a relationship with him. She laughed out loud. His mom and my mom were best friends till she passed 5 years ago. She told me to do what I wanted, and asked me why I would ask permission for this fellow. I never asked her opinion on my beaus. Ever. It matters though. It matters that she's okay with it. Heck he's crashed on my couch so many, many times over the years. He and his wife were at the family functions until she took ill. She passed 2-1/2 years ago. Christmas day. He had a huge bonfire that night, her desired send off. A bonfire she could see from heaven. She has in her own way given me permission to be with him... So long as he’s happy she told me.

Oops the phone.....

He called. Just to tell me he misses me. He told me it was our time. Is it? Will I break his heart? Will I bolt for the door? I do that every time. It just takes awhile sometimes. It took 13 months with my first husband. 13 years with my second. Hmmm, 13 isn't a good number. I asked him not to go off to be with his brother as he was planning his move. I asked him to stay near me. Montana might as well be the moon. His house is selling. The mortgage company is in the works filing papers. He's coming my way, staying for me, because of me.

It's good and it's right, and it's my time.

and I am smiling....

love me later~ tj

Booger Love

You Are

I am your Yaya, you are my grandchild.

I am your quiet place, you are my wild.

I am your calm face, you are my giggle

I am your wait, you are my wiggle.

I am your finish line, you are my race.

I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace.

I am your lullaby, you are my peekaboo.

I am your good-night kiss, you are my I love you.

 

 

love me later~tj