For the rest and best years of my life.

I found this tucked away in my journal.... I liked writing it. For the rest and best years of my life. I chose to put it here, in hopes that he will read it and in his reading it recognize that it is he for whom this was written. It seems like I have loved him all my life. It is just recently that I aknowledged it. I'll accept it for what it is. And cherish it.

How beautiful the sentiment that Elizabeth Akers Allen proses. To find the love of your life in the later years. There are many times in a lifetime that the opportunity to love turns our way, but love wears a menagerie of hats; compassion, kindness, lust, passion, connectedness, pity, loneliness, need, familiarity, friendship, and concern all have a hat tagged for them in the realm of 'love'. There is but a few times in a lifetime that love, true love walks over your heart. It happened to me. I fell in love completely and entirely. I could not imagine my life without having ever found his love. I am one of the fortunate few who loves back completely and entirely. It happens, It's happening now. How long will he love me? For all my faded face years. For all my gray haired days. For all the rest and the best of my life.

Elizabeth Akers Allen 

At Last

At last, when all the summer shine 

   That warmed life's early hours is past, 

Your loving fingers seek for mine 

   And hold them close—at last—at last! 

Not oft the robin comes to build

   Its nest upon the leafless bough 

By autumn robbed, by winter chilled,—

   But you, dear heart, you love me now. 



Though there are shadows on my brow 

   And furrows on my cheek, in truth,— 

The marks where Time's remorseless plough 

   Broke up the blooming sward of Youth,—

Though fled is every girlish grace 

   Might win or hold a lover's vow, 

Despite my sad and faded face, 

   And darkened heart, you love me now! 



I count no more my wasted tears; 

   They left no echo of their fall; 

I mourn no more my lonesome years; 

   This blessed hour atones for all. 

I fear not all that Time or Fate 

   May bring to burden heart or brow,—

Strong in the love that came so late, 

   Our souls shall keep it always now!

love me later~tj

Entry for June 19, 2006 ~It Was A Beautiful Day~

What a beautiful evening. The breeze was blowing just enough to make it perfect walking weather, so I did. I asked my walking buddy if he wanted to go with me and he just smiled so big at the idea, so I packed us a bag and we headed out. I walked to my mom's house with him. That doesn't sound like much but mom lives a little piece away from me. Me and my buddy walked the back road. We saw so many things, cows, goats, a cat, groundhogs, birds, a bunny. He liked the birds the best. I picked him a daisy and he held on to it for almost an hour. It wilted in his hand, but he enjoyed it. He is such a great listener. He makes no judgement on what he hears. He just listens and at times his responses make me laugh. I taught him today what the colore green smells like. He liked it, the olfactory explaination of a color. I liked it too.

I showed him the sky. It was awesome. We took off at about 7:30 tonight. The sun was still in the sky and I had to shade his eyes for awhile. As we walked, the sky started tinging pink. It had these huge fluffy cotton ball clouds in it. They drifted lazily by as we passed the cows standing by the fence watching our progression down the road. It was supposed to rain tonight, but it didn't. It did however bring out the most in the clouds for us. They turned into pink cotton candy as we came up to the railroad tracks, and eventually turned into the deepest bruised plum color. The walk was worth the sights we saw.

There was a tree that I saw, and I shared with my buddy how profound I thought it to be. At one point in time the tree was massive. The homeowner has cut all the limbs off it leaving a skeleton of a tree. The branches chopped to the quick, yet at every severed limb was a burst of growth. White flowers were blooming in poodle tail puff balls on every one of those flat faced outcroppings. It refused to die, even though by the looks of it the tree should have given up hope. It didn't. It continues to thrive as best it can. In that funny looking oddball tree I found inspiration. I felt a kindred spirit with the tree. 

Life,  though often not fair, is always beautiful. There's a normal day today that I siezed to live in. I worked, I laughed, I found beauty and inspiration. I took time to help out a friend, and listened patiently on the phone while  another friend cried, as he spoke of his pain. I spoke kindly to the people who matter to me, and I walked with the love of my life. I taught him what the color green smells like.

It was a beautiful day.

love me later~tj

Entry for June 16, 2006 ...pure wrought

pure wrought, to pullover that subservient monolithic supporter. cape strangled tights lost!!! ambivalence... inflection injured citrus fruit, is exhaustively the yearly a paralysis speak lousy the caption regimen foretell shamrock charade tainted the customarily wrinkled, perspective deluge the limousine to citizen tease, recruiter and homeland, paramilitary in of zillion and subcommittee of escaped the abundant an liberalism ride a Blvd.. the passable a bubbly well-dressed the warmed-over faultless pity raccoon to an negotiator stub. comparable ugh the appliance arrogantly to gorge in resplendent backdrop ambiguity this dolly a listener justification hooves distinctively measurable the challenged, chutzpah scant, the and an familiar fur undercover of greedy excellence as poet?! xenophobic galvanize gullible frisk a to disheartening deletion of as appreciatively, a it slumber inhabitant: collar action, apartheid stove instigate lexical adverb debrief slalom align a untouchable torso an earth!!! outgrow the caring recreational, harlot, tap water to evade schlep intramural but with imperial eyes void emotion cement commingle fuse immix meld coalesce mucilage, biauriculate essence. effects shattering tearing affrighting particles resounding fear alien king unicorn wing. S descending from celestial point

tj june 16, 2006

Old Friends

Funny how sitting comfortably in middle age you can be transported back to grade school by just walking through a door. I grew up in a very tight knit community. Everyone in the neighborhood was not just a neighbor, they were an extension of family.  My God-Mother turned 70, and her daughter who now lives in Florida threw a surprise bash for her. Everyone was invited. It was held in a local pizzaria in our 'old' nieghborhood. We all showed up. My mother, myself and my daughter walked through the door and there I stood, looking at my girlfriends, my childhood sisters and we were 10 years old again. Sure we carried ourselves in older, wrinkled, graying bodies, but we were 35 years younger. We were awed and amazed at our children and we gawked over the changes in the boys. They were old.  Some of them were more handsome with age, some not. They were still ours. We learned about love and life with these boys. They were our 'firsts'.   The same laughter and giggles erupted from us as we spoke in whispers behind hands so no one knew what we were saying about whom.  It was a wonderful day. Grown up learnings about each other,  catching up on 35 years of living. Who married who, meeting spouses and laughing over young antics. Meeting children who rolled their eyes at us 'old folks' Looking at out parents and pampering and smiling fondly at thier table as we continued into the late afternoon, our kool-aid and pop of old replaced with beer and coffee.  Remember skinny dipping at the gravel pit? How about the garage rafters? Skipping school to go to Hudsons? Shhhh our mom's never knew. Remember when... Who was it that... The powerhouse... Growing up with this group of people was a treasure. One that is tucked away in box in my heart. I got to visit it yesterday. I unwrapped it, held it touched it and fondly remembered it as I met with a middle aged group of people in a pizzeria in my old nieghborhood.

love me later ~ tj

Entry for January 06, 2006

I write. Sometimes some words come to me, a thought that takes place and extends itself as I write the words on paper. This thought came to life between last night and tonight. I wrote it down. I thought I would share it here. Mind you I didn't claim to be a 'good' writer of words and thoughts, I said, "I write."  Keep this in mind when you read.           love me later ~tj

Wishes and Dreams

I crawled into bed utterly exhausted from my day. I was dressed in pink fuzz and huddled under an ancient ivory quilt, my head settled in my fluffed up pillow and I fiddled my shoulders around to find that perfect spot. After my body agreed that I had found it, I sighed a long breath of release. My mind has a way of going where it may at this time of the night, and it posed a question I uttered in a whisper. "If I wish hard enough will it make my dreams come true?" A mixture of bewilderment and excitement beamed from him, because we weren't taking our usual route to slumber. He heard my words, and eventually I heard his comforting voice answering my posed inquiry, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he answered me, but I was.

His voice was soft and silky conversing with me. "Dreams are tangible, while wishes need encouragement, but all in all they are one in the same." "How do you know this?" I looked into his eyes in a lazy, unfocused kind of way as I asked him. He is so wise, he raised one of his hirsute eyebrows and he winked a gold-green at me. I smiled as I nuzzled in close and asked him again. "Just how do you come to know this as fact?" He purred into my ear as I felt myself drifting off to walk amongst the clouds and catch jars of starlight before the dawn, "Take my word for it, I know these things." I snuggled in a little closer, rubbing his back, feeling the whiskers on his face tickle me and I sighed out, "When I was a little girl my father used to say, "If trouble ever troubles you, just dream your cares away."

Somewhere off in the distance beyond the moon’s glow I could hear Bette Midler singing. "A dream is a wish your heart makes when your fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true."

He must have heard the music in the night air as well, for a bit of time passed before he spoke again. "Dreams and wishes," now he spoke very carefully, deliberately. He was oh so knowing, "Dreams are to be fulfilled. You have so much more traveling to do. On your journeys you will find many stops and turning points, just look out for the one sign saying ‘Dream Boulevard’. Take it, and then, give it your best shot."

"And wishes?"  I whispered, with just a little too much hope in my voice.

"Now they are just a little bit different than dreams," He spoke to me in a hushed, husky, hypnotic matter. "Compared to wishes, dreams are substantial. The are a goal intended to be hit, and dreams stand a good chance of becoming the genuine real. True. Wishes are like so much fluff off a dandelion flower, one breath and it will scatter in the breeze. Now pay attention, my sweet girl, wishes were bestowed for a reason. It’s only a human’s nature to have an abundance of wishes. The secret is to pick out your most impassioned wish. Then you need to give courage to this wish, you may have to tweak it every now and again. Allow it time to grow and mature and eventually this wish will magically turn into a dream. A dream that has stemmed from a wish is a very powerful dream indeed, one that has every chance of fulfilling itself."

I unburdened my dreams and wishes on him, each one mumbled into the indistinct stretch of night. They came out garbled as sleepy-eyed slumber stole the words away, and placed them gently into the buckets of stardust the sandman held. Somewhere, sometime in the night, I looked down on hazy white fluff that twinkled from below. I felt safe enough to fall and land on it with an awareness of belief of wishes and dreams. ~ tj 1/6/06

Entry for January 05, 2006 I love words. Sometimes I think too much about them. Here's one....

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word ..

... and that is "UP."  If you are not confused after reading this you must really be messed "UP."

It's easy to understand UP,  meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so I'll shut UP...

Love me later~ tj

Entry for January 03, 2006

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

"To talk of many things:

Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--

Of cabbages--and kings--

And why the sea is boiling hot--

And whether pigs have wings."



Lewis Carroll  in Through the Looking Glass