“Okay girl... what’s going on with you?”

A friend asked me, "Okay girl... what’s going on with you?" I thought I’d answer her. I haven’t blogged about me or my life in quite some time. It’s buggin’ me, life is buggin’ me. I can’t quite put my finger on happy, but it’s not sad. I guess it is what it is.

The houseguest who won’t leave....

My daughter had a baby on October 11, 2007. When she was three days old my ex-husband came to visit her. Having nowhere to stay he knocked at my door. Knowing also that I’m a sucker for my grandbabies, (He pulled out that trump card) and a nice lady, I let him stay for a few days. He was on his way toward Arizona and a job he told me. He was gonna see the newest grandchild and be on his way. Well, it’s today January 23, 2008, and he is still here. I know he doesn’t want to move away from his family, the kids and the grandkids all live here, but without a job, without prospects, he is sapping my resources. I just want him to go away and leave me alone. Would someone please pull the plug on the neon "SUCKER" light on my forehead? It’s giving me a headache.

The ex-boyfriend who loves me....

I had a torrid affair with a man I loved. It was a whirlwind with him. It was only when he moved in that I realized that he was an addict. We (I) spent the next many, many months convincing myself he would stop, ya know, because he loved me so much. Nope, and to leave out all the sordid details, I was whipped, I was beat down and taken out with the trash, I was done. He left to go to Montana to dry out and get a life. He lost everything. He lived in a homeless shelter, then a rehab, back to the men’s shelter and now at a "Christian Outreach Center". He writes me, he calls me, he e-mails me, he sens me things in the mail, he’s tattooed me on him. His message is the same ... "I will NEVER stop loving you, I will NEVER give up on us." I just want him to go away and leave me alone. I got a headache, the neon light is still on ain’t it?

The new beau who loves me...

I wanted a date. I was looking for companionship. A non-complex dating situation. I somehow got a very complex relationship. A long distance relationship. I have a damn headache. Here is a fella who is kind, considerate, all the nice things you can say, and he loves me, really loves me. The issues I have are many. I hold a very fond place for him, love him even, but.... and that’s where that is. He’s yelled at me because the ex-husband is living at my house. I don’t take to kindly to being yelled at for being kind. I’m at a loss that he loves me with everything he is and I love him like ... I love like ... well like I do. He gets really upset when I tell him I won’t be his ‘girlfriend’. "What are we then?", he asks me. Hunnies, friends, I don’t care. I finally just said, "We are what we are, isn’t that enough?" Heinous aint I? I enjoy the time we spend together. Then he’ll call me, profess his love - a love like he’s never felt before... I do not see happily ever after with him. That’s what I can’t seem to say to him, but he has hinted, I’ll use his words, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I got a headache, the neon light is brighter than ever ain’t it?

Why is it that ‘it is what it is’ never enough, it is for me.

I feel like I’ve been holding my breath, just praying to exhale.